EileenHeatherLeah

Niagara Falls

2009-04-17T20:35:00.002-04:00

The girls and I were lucky enough to go to Niagara Falls last weekend. We belong to a group, Parent's Without Partners (PWP). There was an 'outing' to Americana Resort over the Easter Weekend, and I decided to surprise the girls and take them there. The surprise actually didn't last long, I told them where we were going and showed them pictures. They were very excited about it.

Heather has often said that she is the ONLY person in the entire school (forgetting that Leah is at the same school) who have NEVER been out of Canada. Poor baby! Anyway, Niagara Falls is in Canada and the US. I also decided to surprise them and take them over the border to the States. Again, that surprise didn't last long. They saw the document I got Scott (my ex, their father) to sign allowing me to take them. Oh well, so much for the surprise, but they were super excited about it.

Easter Friday arrived and we drove to Niagara Falls and the Americana. There is a huge indoor water park with slides and wave pool. We had a great time! There were several PWP families there, kids that my kids are friends with, other parents that I knew. It was so much fun! We stayed the night and spent time in the water park on Sat as well.

Saturday, we went to visit Niagara Falls as tourists, then went to go over the boarder into the States. I loved that part...over the Rainbow Bridge, I slowed down. There is a Canadian Flag, space, then the US Flag. I said 'we're in Canada...we're nowhere...we're in another country'.

Surprisingly, there was no line up at the boarder and we went almost right through. When asked why we were going there, I told them that my poor kids had never been out of Canada. That was enough for them to allow us into their country. From there, we went to the Factory Outlet Mall. We went 'shop, shop, shop...DROP'. It was so much fun. I discovered a store there that we don't have here, The Dress Barn. I loved it and spent some of my very hard earned money in that store. The girls got a lot of stuff as well. After that, we drove around and found a motel to stay at for the night. The girls asked me if the Easter Bunny would find them. Luckily, I had thought of that before and had hidden stuff in my bag. Sure enough, Sunday morning they woke up to find that the Easter Bunny had indeed found them, in a motel, in the States, with me being Jewish and them half Jewish. The Easter Bunny stupidly put chocolate eggs under their pillows and Leah, during her sleep, had uncovered one and it got on the sheets. I wrote a big note: 'This is a CHOCOLATE stain' and left it on the bed.

We went back over the boarder into Canada. It was actually kind of funny...the guard asked me for the paper that Scott had signed allowing me to take them into the US on the way BACK into Canada. Again, no line up. Asked what we bought??? Earrings and stuff for the kids. No prob!

On the Monday, I took a vacation day and took the girls to see Hanna Montana, the Movie'. I enjoyed it and so did they.

All in all, we had a great weekend. We all needed it and we all loved it.

The Ring

2009-04-05T11:41:00.004-04:00

I had said that this blog was not going to become an AA forum of any kind; however, there is something that I need to share with you that is AA related...

I like amethyst. Actually, I love amethyst. It calms me, and helps to ground me. Amethyst also happens to be purple, my favourite colour. I looked up the meaning of amethyst, it literally means 'not drunk'. Huh, who knew??

As my 3 year AA birthday passed in January, I decided to buy myself something at the Conference that was in March. I already have AA jewellry. The AA symbol is a triangle with a circle around it. Anyway, I decided that I wanted a ring with a trilliam (triangle) amethyst. At the Conference, I bought a pendant which was exactly what I wanted as a ring. I then took it to a jewellery store and decided to have it made into a ring.

So, to make a long story short...I took my wedding band and Scott's wedding band and had it made into my ring. I had 3 small diamonds in my band, so I had them put in my new ring..one at each end of the triangle.

The result???

Exactly what I wanted.

2009-03-19T21:14:00.002-04:00

I've talked a lot about work and some of the people there. There are 3 lawyers (one recently left and another is starting next month - making 4). There are 3 Assistants, or support staff. I am Assistant to the 'main' lawyer; Katherine works Mon - Thurs. The other is Ari. We've had our differences, as anyone who reads this blog knows that.
Ari has missed a lot of work in the past while. She was diagnosed with Menier's (an inner ear thing). To make a very long story short, she has now been diagnosed with MS. She was having problems and they kept getting worse. She was in the hospital for over a week and we have no idea if or when she's coming back to work While her condition is improving, she will never be the same. She is partially paralized and it's not known if or when it will get better.
Regardless of my personal feelings about her work, she doesn't deserve this.
I went to visit her last weekend in the hospital. I didn't stay long, but it was a good visit. It's so important when going through serious things to have the support of other people.

I think it's important to show support where ever I can. AA is pretty much a support group and by following some instructions and using the support I have learned, I am staying sober. Ari needs to know that she is not alone, people care, and she needs the support of people around her.
I did a bit of research and the support for MS is huge, which is great.
I am so grateful that we live in a world where there are so many support groups, they are a vital and necessary part of any recovery process.

Girl Guides

2009-02-07T10:59:00.003-05:00

Heather, my 9 year old, is in Girl Guides. I remember many (many) years ago when I was in Guides as well. I kept my uniform my many years, hopeing that it might be interesting to show my daughters one day. Now I can't find it. I think that perhaps when we moved back from BC my friend convinced me that I didn't need it any longer. Bummer.

Tonight, Heather gets to go to the Science Centre (in Toronto) and sleep over with her Guide unit. I am so jealous! It's going to be so cool. They arrive at 4pm, have dinner there, walk through the exibits, and then sleep in sleeping bags there. Leah and I are going to meet her there tomorrow morning (maybe, they have to be picked up at 9..way too early for me on a Sunday...I might get one of the other parent's to pick up).

We have a membership there that I bought last year. It's a great place to go to kill an afternoon, and it's educational. There are imax movies as well, very neat. We have seen underwater movies, Great Lakes, mountain climbing...all on the biggest screens in Canada.

It's going to be a fun time for Heather!

My AA Retreat

2009-01-31T21:24:00.003-05:00

I went to an AA women's retreat a couple of weekends ago. It was a huge learning experience for me. I had gone once before...3 years ago when I was all of 1 week sober. Surprisingly, I got more out of it this year.
I arrived Fri night. We studied steps 1, 2,3. I was asked to speak about step 1, and I did. 'We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable'. It's probably my favourite step. I gain power by being powerless.

I had what we call a 'spiritual awakening' while at the retreat. It was one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. It's hard to explain unless you have had one. For the first time in my life, I felt like I belonged. Few people, except for some alcoholics, truly understand the significance of that statement. It was an overwhelming sense that I was 'part of'.

On the Sat. night, a bunch of us played 'Charades'. Believe it not, I had never really played it before. We all wrote down either movies, books, people, etc. and put them into a box. We took turns choosing them. It was so much fun! One of my contributions was 'Dora', it was funny. The funniest one was one woman acting out 'Wizard of Oz'. Instead of clicking her heels together, she decided to make a spin of 'wiz'. Picture grown woman pretending to 'wiz' with her charade male part. We were crying with laughter.

All in all, it was a great weekend. I reinforced my commitment to my AA program, took time to talk to good friends, strengthened friendships, and made new ones.

I can't wait to go again next year!

Happy 2009!

2009-01-01T01:02:00.002-05:00

All in all, it's been a pretty good holiday season.
I'm sober and I've stayed that way. While I haven't had the urge to drink, I did have a couple of 'off' times in the past few days. The girls were gone for just over a week. While it was nice to have the break, I missed them, but didn't miss them too much. They left to be with their father Dec 21 and I picked them up yesterday. I'm Jewish, so the x-mas thing didn't bother me at all. What is difficult for me is this time of the year, not because of the holidays, but because I am approaching 3 years of sobriety (Jan 21). Three years ago, I was alone while the kids were with their father and I hit the bottom of all bottoms. I've come a long way and don't want to make this post into a bad 'remember when'.

Obviously, like many others, I have spent some time thinking about the highs and lows of 2008. I can honestly say that there were far more 'highs' than 'lows'. In the past year I have more than doubled my income, moved to a great 'house' (it's a tri-plex and we have the middle floor, with 3 guys above and below us), got my driver's license back (lost it for 2 years - drinking), earned an awesome promotion at work, watched both daughter's grow into lovely young ladies, become a bit closer to my family, continue to grow on spiritual levels, etc.... In a netshell, that's my 'gratitude list' for 2008.

The 'situation' at work is now great. The one other assistant I was whining about is now pretty good. We had a couple of 'talks' on our last day of work for the year (x-mas eve, until noon). She actually apologized for the way in which she treated me and we discussed things. I told her it was in the past and we need to both let it go and move on. It was a great talk and I'm looking forward to working with her. Now, I can honestly say that I actually LIKE everyone I work with. I don't know a lot of people who can say that.

My daughter's are truly good people with kind hearts. They love me for who I am. While there are problems and life is never perfect, I know that no matter what, we can get through it. I heard a speaker once at an AA meeting who had a great message... 'there's a blessing on the other side of through' - meaning you have to go through things in order to receive the blessing. I'm sure I'm not saying (or writing) it so you will really understand it, but it was amazing and really made me think.

Money is not as abundant as I'd like it to be, but really, few people can say that they have 'enough' money. It bothers me that Scott (the ex) is to pay me $450/month (based on numbers we used, it's a fair amount given the amount he makes). It bothers me that he is a few months behind and can't afford the small amount he has to pay. I know I will receive the money, in Ontario we have the Family Responsibility Office - they 'take care' of support payments. He can't turn around and say that he couldn't pay one month and move on...that amount doesn't go away until he's paid up. All things considered, I have enough money to do things with the kids that we want to do (within reason...we're not hopping on any planes in the near future). Today I took them to see 'Bedtime Stories'. We had fun.

I'm learning to put things into perspective and to keep things simple. I am doing my best to keep the important things at the front of my mind. Is life going to end if I don't send a letter out immediately? Usually, it won't. Is it going to change history if I can't get to my daughter's 5 minute dance recital? It might, for her anyway. THAT is priority. There was one week when I left work early 3 days out of 5. Two for dance (end of the session thing), and once to take them to the dentist. It doesn't always work that I have the priorities straight. Sometimes I need help with them. I've also learned that it's okay to ask for help. That is a huge thing for me, to ask for help.

All-in-all, 2008 was a year that showed me how life CAN be, if I work all aspects of it. Nothing is perfect and along those line, nobody is perfect either. It boggles my mind how happy simple things can make me. It boggles my mind how much my life has improved from attending AA meetings and following some 'suggestions' (AA people will never TELL you what to do, they SUGGEST).

Here's hoping that 2009 is everything that you want it to be. I wish you, your family, and your friends, the very best for a healthy, happy, and safe year!

School Lockdown

2008-12-10T22:09:00.002-05:00

There are several things that my daughters have at school/daycare that I never had as a kid. They still have fire drills (and the kids still love them). Now, our school, and I think every school in Toronto, has lockdowns and evacuations. Lockdowns are split into 'strangers in the school' and 'strangers out of the school'. They had a practice lockdown a few days ago. Heather, my 9 year old, didn't know it was a practice and started to cry because she was scared.
There's now another element to this scary new world we live in...
I received an email yesterday from the daycare. Two girls were in the bathroom (they always go in at least pairs). While in the bathroom, a man took their picture. They immediately notified the daycare (they are daycare kids). The daycare called the principal down, who then called the police. I'm happy to hear that these situations, while extremely rare, are taken seriously. There was another email update this morning saying that there were more details and that the police and the school were taking it seriously.

When I went to pick the girls up today, Heather was talking about a letter that was in her backpack for me. Everyone got a letter to give to their parents. The letter talks about a 'potentially serious incident' and the steps that the school is taking to keep the kids safe and secure. Leah was talking to Heather's friend, Emily, who promptly came to me and told me what Leah was saying. Leah told us that a couple of days ago she was in the bathroom with 2 of her friends (all grade 1) and a man took a picture of them and then walked away. I immediately asked Emily's father to take Heather with him for the girls to play in the school yard, and took Leah into the daycare manager's office to talk with the manager and assistant mgr about what I had heard. After some prompting, it turns out that Leah may have seen the same man who took the pictures of the other girls. She gave a description of the man and described the camera he was using. What impressed me was how serious they are taking this. I took Leah out and they called the police and the school principal. Most likely, Leah will talk with the police tomorrow.
While I am not completly convinced what Leah did see, I am sure that something happened. She didn't say anything about it because she didn't know there was anything to say. It wasn't an extraordinary occurance for her. She also has a great imagination.
After we left the school, I talked with the girls more and told Leah what a great thing she did and if she talks with the police tomorrow to just tell them the truth with the story.
I received another email tonight, saying that the school is on high alert and will have one door only open. There are several doors to the school, some of which are open in the morning and afternoon (before and after school). Now, only one door in the entire school will be open.

While it is scary to think of this world we live in, I am so grateful that we live in a good area (relatively) and things like this don't normally happen. The school is on 'high alert', the police are involved, and everyone is doing the right thing in insuring the childrens' safety.

Some People CAN Change...but for how long??

2008-11-21T21:15:00.003-05:00

I have vented, ranted, and bitched about a couple of my co-workers, A and K.

I haven't updated in a bit because I was afraid that if I did, things would change back to the way they were.

I am thrilled to report that as of a couple of months ago K has been amazing with me. One night, we had a very long chat on the phone and came to an understanding about each other. Seems that we were having some mis-communications. Through talking about it and discussing communication methods, we resolved many of our mis-communications. Since that time, things have been great with us at work. Now, a couple of months later, I know how she expects things to be done, and things that I can do to make her life easier (she's a lawyer, I'm the assistant).

A is another story. She has had a 'hate-on' for me since the day she started. From the time she started as assistant, I went from working a few hours a week filing, to more responsible work, to full time, and now to Cheryl's assistant (a very good job). I have had discussions with other people about her and our lack of relationship. She's jealous of me. She is superior to me because she went to college to become an assistant. She's getting married. She's not in recovery....it goes on and on. The bottom line - she treated me like crap. If I asked her what time it was, she would tell me to look it up or figure it out myself. Don't even get me started on the fact that I have a laptop and can work at home (I begged to work at home...who does that???). I always describe her to other people as the exact opposite of teamwork.

At the end of Oct., she took the last week as a vacation week. During that week, she got sick and ended up taking the following week of because she was still sick. To make a long story short, while she was gone for those 2 weeks, I handled everything that needed to be done. I served/filed court documents, and did both of our jobs. I worked every night from home after my day at the office, and worked weekends. I didn't complain, it needed to be done.

Since she has been back now, it's like she's a different person. She's actually nice to me. We joke. She has explained things to me. Today, she asked me about my divorce, my case, and offered to help me with it. Wow! I don't know if this is going to last, as she has been nice the odd time before. I hope it does. Perhaps she has heard that I am staying as Cheryl's assistant when her friend, the other assistant, returns from maternity leave in a few weeks. I don't know why the 'change' occured. I don't care either. All I know is that now work is the way it should be in terms of teamwork. I love it. For now, I'm accepting it and enjoying it.

Bell Canada Sucks!

2008-11-08T23:04:00.002-05:00

We have a 'choice' for cable tv in Toronto, Rogers (who owns everything and re-names the Skydome - different issues with HIM), and Bell Canada. Not much of a choice.
To make a long story short, when we moved in July, I thought since my home phone and internet were Bell, that I would switch my tv to Bell as well. It's a satellite system, supposed to be more channels, blah blah blah.
So I did. I still have problems finding things on tv, since all of the channel numbers are different, but on the whole, it's fine. The problem I have is getting my dvd/vcr player to work with it. I've tried several different ways, so please don't tell me how you know how to make it work. What really sucks is the fact that I can't rent a dvd, and I can't tape 'House' (my favourite show).
I decided that I would get a PVR, personal video recorder, so at least I can tape stuff. At the time I made the call to Bell, I explained to the person that I could not get the dvd player to work. She said that the person coming to put the pvr in could fix the problem with the dvd.
Fast forward to today. The Bell guy comes to 'install' the pvr. It takes him all of 5 minutes, then I ask him about the dvd. He tells me he doesn't do that. Okay, please take the other receiver back. He doesn't do that either. I fiddle around with the new pvr, trying to get the dvd to work. I can't. I figure, fine, I'll get a Pay Per View movie. I want to see 'Sex in the City' movie. It's on at 5:30pm. Perfect. A couple of minutes before, I try to order it on-line and it doesn't work. I try to order it on tv. It doesn't work. I call them. Oh, I'm told, the person who installs the receiver should have connected the line for Pay. He didn't. I get transferred from one person to another, trying to have it so I can watch the movie that I've been looking forward to watching. After 40 minutes on the phone, I know I'm not going to see it. I explained that I simply want to watch movies with my kids on my dvd. I want to beable to get Pay per view if I want to. I really don't think that I'm being unreasonable. I got so frustrated, I told one person that I was fed up and wanted to cancel my entire Bell tv and go back to Rogers. Oh, she can't do that. I get transfered to someone else. Once with the next person, they tell me that it can't be done and he would call me back Mon morning. I did explain that I worked and could not call during the day. It was left that someone, a supervisor, would call me Monday around 9pm.

How much do you want to bet that I don't receive a call??

I am so fed up with these large monopolizing corporations who don't give a crap about the individual customer. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I don't know what the answer is. At one point, I thought that I would simply cancel the tv all together, but that's not fair to the girls, or to me for that point.

I'll update next week to let you know what did not happen on Monday.

I Love My Boss

2008-10-21T19:13:00.002-04:00

How many people can honestly say that they enjoy their job and their boss is amazing?
While I do have bad days, sometimes over-worked, a bitch of a colleague, and not enough hours in the day, I do enjoy it.
I also have the best boss in the world. I was talking to her a couple of months ago about wanting to take an on-line law course. I'm taking it now, directly related to my work, and she is paying for it. And the textbook! Today I went to a continuing education seminar that was also paid for by work.

Since I got my promotion this past summer, I have been trying to dress better at work. As a senior family lawyer in Toronto, Cheryl's hourly rate is $475. I can't really get away with wearing shorts and a t-shirt to work now. I need a new wardrobe. Problem is, I've gained a lot of weight and I hate shopping. My feet are weird, so I also have a very hard time with shoes.
Her regular assistant is returning from mat leave in Dec. It has now been established, although not 'officially', that I will stay as her assistant and the other woman is going to 'float'. She only wants to come back 4 days a week, so it will work out well.

Cheryl is going away on vacation the end of this week for over a week. I asked her a few days ago if she should get someone to have signing authority for cheques while she's away. I didn't mean me. Yesterday, first thing in the am, she called me into her office. She handed me an envelope and said that I wasn't to tell anyone about it. She said that I've been doing a great job and doing 'other' stuff for her as well (I pick up her lunch almost every day because she doesn't have time, plus I'm the RSVP on a big party she is hosting for her parent's 50th anniversary, etc). The envelope contained certificates for a big mall in Toronto. $200. She told me I was NOT allowed to spend it on the kids and I HAD to spend it on me. Wow.
Then we went downstairs for a smoke break (we both smoke...why? is it bad for me?). We are right next to RBC, where we bank. She told me to go into the bank with her. She gave me signing authority to sign cheques up to $500. Holy crap! What a day!!

In AA, there is talk about the 'promises' when life gets better and good things happen. It's something that people in AA talk about, something I have seen in other people, but have rarely felt happen to me. It's amazing to think that 3 years ago at this time, I was drunk and wanted to die. Not anymore. Today, I'm sober and relatively happy.

It's amazing how a good job and a good boss changes things.

When Life Sucks

2008-10-12T22:00:00.003-04:00

What do you do when people you care about are in pain? How do you help them without interfering or meddling, showing them that you care, love, and support them? What advise can you offer a friend or loved one when you don't know what advise to give?

My life is fairly together now, probably the most together it's ever been. I'm not saying that I'm happy all of the time, but because of AA, I have the tools to help me deal with life stuff.

I have many friends, and some relatives, who are going through very horrible life changes. Some are separated, some have parent's who are dying or have died, one has a drinking problem and is in denial. A couple are having kids for the first time. That in itself is not a 'horrible' life change, but it is a life change all the same.

I deeply care for these people. I've been separated, I'm 'doing' life on my own. I had a parent die when I was 15 (my father). My mother is getting older. I had a drinking problem and now attend AA a minimum of 3 times a week, I'll be doing that for the rest of my life. My kids are getting older and are creating 'new' challenges for me.

The point is, I can empathize with their life challenges. I can attempt to advise, I can listen, I can tell them what helped me, and I can listen even more. I cannot make it better, no matter how much I want to.

My kids are still at the stage (for the most part) where I can kiss an 'owie' or give a big hug and make it all better. Not so with friends.

Sometimes, life really sucks. Sometimes, 'it sucks' is the best thing I can say. I know it doesn't help, but sometimes it the best I can do.

I just really want those friends to know how much I care and how much I wish I could make it better.

Dating and Kids

2008-09-28T11:40:00.002-04:00

When I first started this Blog, I thought I would post often, and post about 'stuff' in my life.
The reality is that I do post about my life, but can't get to it often.

I thought that in recovery, I would have my 'stuff' together and would move on with my life and lead a 'normal' life. Most of the time I do have my 'stuff' together and I do lead a 'normal' life. I go on with my day to day activities and do things to the best of my abilities. The 10th Step of AA says that 'when we are wrong we promptly admit it'. I really try to do that. If I make a mistake I own up to it promptly, remember the error and do my best never to make that same 'wrong'.

My life right now is pretty full. I'm a single mother, kids are 6 and 9. I work full time, then have a laptop at home that is connected to the server at work so I can work at night. My daughters are both in Guides of Canada; Leah is a Spark, Heather a Guide (and it's cookie time, too!). I'm taking an online law course to better myself at work. I'm the VP on the Board of Directors of the daycare that the kids go to. Both kids are in extra curricular activites as well. Exactly when would I date, even if there were someone I wanted to date??

A couple of weeks ago, Heather stated that I need to get remarried (okay, but I think I might need a date first). It boils down to Heather wants to sleep in, she does not want to get up at 6:45 and be at daycare at 7:45, to be picked up at 5. Her reasoning was very clever. When there are things that they want, or things that they want to do and I can't, sometimes I explain that 'those other people' (friends of hers) have 2 parents in their house. That means that in most cases there is more than twice the income. Plus, when one child wants to do something and the other one does not, it can't be done in a one-parent household. Punishments are difficult because both kids suffer.
If I were to remarry, then there would be another income earner in the house. I wouldn't have to work so much. I could go into work later. She could sleep in. Clever for a 9 year old!

The kids are funny when it comes to waking up and sleeping in. During the week, I am up at 5:45am. I shower, make lunches, and have my 'alone' time. On the weekend, I want to sleep. My rule is 'don't talk to me before 9am'. They, on the other hand, hate waking up at 6:45am during the week and always want to sleep in. On the weekends, they are up even earlier. Go figure.

Appreciation Day (well, morning, at least)

2008-08-09T10:08:00.003-04:00

I have great kids. I love them and they are, at heart, truly good people.
This is how my day started.....

At 9:30 (yes, 9:30), Leah came in and woke me up. She said 'Mommy, it's time to get up now, Heather and I have something for you. Here are your glasses'.

I went into the living room and they had made breakfast for me. We have 2 small tables that we use instead of a coffee table. They put the tables together, had 3 plates with food on them. There was a vase with wool fringes out of it (their 'flowers'). A glass of diet coke with lemon (my fave), and a small 'sandwich' for me. Also, toast without butter and a bowl of cereal (Special K, because they don't like it).
It was SO sweet!!

I asked what it was for, they said it was 'Appreciation Day' because I am such a good mother.

WOW! I think it's because I took them to Chuck E Cheese last night for dinner, it was the first time any of us had been there. It might be because I told them that today we may go to Ontario Place or swimming at a pool somewhere. It might be because I told Leah that she can pick any backpack she wants as she is going into grade 1 and it's her first time in 'all day' school.

It really doesn't matter why it 'might be'. The point is, they did this completely on their own and because they wanted to. I'm touched beyond words.

I have the best kids in the world!!

Updates

2008-07-20T20:10:00.003-04:00

Summer is almost half over, it's been so busy!

Heather is now at a sleepover camp, coming home tomorrow. She left this past Mon, so she was gone for a week. She's at a camp called Marygrove, through St. Vincent De Paul Society. They are an amazing society of people, churches, etc. who help out 'underprivileged' families. Being a single parent, recovering alcoholic, with an ex who has not paid child support in months (more about that later), I think I can easily qualify.
I took Heather to the bus last Mon and was a little uneasy about it at first. I didn't know what to expect. The information sheet that was sent to me made it clear that some of the children who attend are in protective custody, and visitors are NOT allowed. What I DID see were many excited campers and parents, 4 state-of-the-art buses, councellers with smiling, friendly faces, and 'employees' (volunteers) from Marygrove. We waited in line to register Heather, then waited for the bus. I was looking at all of the happy campers and families. What really got me - I saw a man that I knew from AA. I've seen him the last couple of years at the AA conference. He rents a room and sells jewelry. I bought 2 rings and a pendant from him. Turns out, his 2 daughters have been going to Marygrove for years and they love it. I told Heather who he was, and from that she knew that other 'AA' kids were going. It helped her to know that I knew someone whose kids were going on the same bus.
Leah and I pick her up tomorrow. I'll let you know how much she enjoyed it.

For the past couple of summers, my boss has closed the office on a Friday and has had a 'cottage party'. Her cottage is about 1 1/2 hours from Toronto. It's actually not a cottage, it's one of the nicest houses I have ever seen, with 6 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, it's huge. Right on the lake as well. This year, I had 'the kids' invited as well (last year no kids). One has a 6m old, another has an 18m old, plus Leah. Turns out Leah was the only kid there, but it didn't matter to her. She went jet skiing twice and ATV'ing as well, plus the 'big boat'. My boss invited Leah and I to stay the night and we did. It was the first time I had spent a night away from Toronto in a couple of years and it was SO nice. Leah really enjoyed herself as well.

Scott's parent's want Heather and Leah for a week this summer. They live in Grand Bend, about 3 hours from here. I used to think that they had a the perfect 'summer home' (until I saw my boss'). It's a great home in the woods right near a lake. When Scott first talked to me about the girls going there for a week, I said that he could take them next Fri or Sat, but I wanted them home the following Sat or Sun early. He pretty much blew a head gasket with that, so I then said that he could take them Sunday to Sunday. Heather now has plans with her friend for next Sat, so Scott and I compromised that he could take the girls Sat night after Heather gets back from Ontario Place. That's fine. The following Monday (Aug 4) is also a holiday in Canada, making it a long weekend. I told Scott that I still wanted them home on the Sunday, and he has agreed. I feel good about the compromise, and we'll see if he sticks to it.

As some of you might remember, we moved at the begining of July. We have a great 3 bedroom in a triplex and it's great. We still have lots of work to do here, but it's home and it's nice. The lady who lived here before us gave me her bed frame. I love it andit's so nice. Because of that, Leah now has a queen size bed as well and Heather has the bunkbed in her room. I put the bed together but did not put the bottom mattress on so she has a little 'hide out' under her bed. She loves it!

That's about it for the update for now. Someday I will take pictures and post them, I just have to find my digital camera!

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer as well.

My First Meme

2008-06-22T21:21:00.002-04:00

My good friend, Michelle, has a new meme on her blog. The purpose is to go back in your life 15 years and tell readers your life. I'm going to go back to 12 years ago...

1996: I was working for my uncle in my family business (home health care). I met Scott. I didn't exactly fall in love, but we decided to get married and to move to BC. I spent my entire life until then in Toronto, only leaving to go to Western University, in London, ON.

1997: Scott and I moved to BC. He started to work for Schneider's. I began to work for a home health care business in sales. We got married in Toronto. We bought a house in Maple Ridge, BC, a smaller community that we loved.

1999: Heather was born. I went back to work after 6 months (that was Mat Leave at that time). Left my home health care job to work at a toy store. Became assistant mgr and loved it.

2001: Surgery...bunion on my foot. The surgeon shaved the bone on my foot, broke my toes and straitened them out. Wheelchair for a month, crutches for 2 more. Ouch.

2002: Leah was born. Started my own business selling Discovery Toys. Conflict with toy store. Left the toy store.

2003: Tripped while carrying Leah. Didn't listen to the doctor. Walked on it. A couple of months later...fractured femur. Surgery that day. Wheelchair for 3 months. Could not put any pressure on my leg. Ouch again.

2004 (Oct): Scott decided that our marriage was over. It was over for me a couple of years before that, but I was 'stuck' in BC with no job and a very sore body, low self-esteem, and becoming addicted to alcohol in a big way.

2004 (Oct): Girls and I move back to Toronto. Go from 'country' setting and bears in the yard to semi-detached house with no grass. Scott arrives in Dec, moves across the city from us.

2005: I attempt to start my own daycare in my house. Few kids to watch, doesn't pay the rent. Go to work for my uncle again. Drinking increases, drinking pretty much every day.

Late 2005- early 2006: Drinking is totally out of control. I have a complete breakdown. Scott takes the kids. I get sober. I get the kids back. No job, no income. I work a couple of hours here and there for my family lawyer. Get sober and join AA.

2007: Still sober. Working more for lawyer. End up being on payroll there.

Early 2008: Scott had his own business. It goes under. He moves to appartment. We had 2 dogs from BC. One gets put down in summer 2007, other I find a 'rescue' place to take so she does not end up at the pound (where he was going to leave her). Get promotion at work. big raise.

May 2008: Still sober. Get another promotion and big raise at work. No child support from Scott in a few months. He gets new job. Get notice from landlord telling us we have to move.

June 2008: Have new place to move. Move July 5. Nice place, in school catchment area. Expensive, but can do it with new promotion and raise at work. Girls are great, although there are problems as in any family. Heather is 9, she's a brat. Leah is 5, a monster in her own world. They both have amazing hearts and are good, loving children.
I'm content and happy, probably more than I've ever been in my life. Have a strong AA program and see the world and my life in a new light. A good, white light.

That brings us to now. Stay tooned for further updates.

Another New Home (this time for real)...and THE talk

2008-05-31T21:58:00.003-04:00

We did not end up taking the new home that I posted about previously. I did say that I was going to take it, but really, I wasn't happy about it. It was very small, and much further from the school than I wanted to be.
I kept checking my usual sites, 'MLS.CA', 'Viewit', and Toronto Star listings. Obviously, if I was happy with the place I wouldn't have kept looking.
I did see another add, called and went to see it. This new place is perfect for us. It's 3 bedrooms, and the girls can have their own room. It's big. The kitchen is big, the bathroom is big, the bedrooms are all a nice size. It's more money per month, but weighing the pros and cons, it's worth it. It's also much closer to school, and the shops that we go to.
We move July 1, but probably not really July 1 as it's Canada's birthday and a long weekend. It will be difficult to move at that time. The lady who lives there now is nice, and I might get her bed out of it, too. I love my mattress, so that's coming with me anyway, but her bed frame is great. She doesn't want it because it was her 'marital' bed and now she is divorced.
The owner is great. I told her that I was in AA and she was great with it.
It's a triplex, 3 'apartments' in the house. We have the middle, or 2nd floor. The people in the basement are moving, so don't know who's moving in yet. There are 3 guys who live on the top floor, I met one of them. They are all in their late 20's, all professionals, or teachers. I was a little concerned being a single parent with 2 girls, but after meeting the one guy and talking to the current tenant, I feel like it's safe and secure for the girls and I.

And, the next news....
Heather and I had THE TALK a couple of days ago. Leah had a playdate/birthday party, so Heather and I had some time alone. I went to the library and to Indigo and came home with 3 books. Heather has been exceptionally moody lately, so I thought it was time.
I showed her the books, explained things that she wanted explained, and we talked. She was excited about the thought of growing up and getting breasts. She didn't ask about the actual 'how' a baby was made, so I didn't explain it to her. We did talk about 'parts' and looked at pictures.
Then came the part about 'products'.
Again, we looked at the pictures, but that wasn't good enough for her. I had to go and get some 'products' for her to see. While it was embarassing, it was funny and I saw things in a different light. Kids do that to you sometimes. We opened the one product and she 'tried' it in her underwear. Then we opened the 'other' package. She was interested, while I was trying to not get embarassed about it further. We dipped it in water. Then she squeezed the water out. I got rid of it after that. We talked a lot about what happens if she gets 'it' at school or other places. She wants to get 'it' now, and she wants 'it' at school. I did not say 'just wait'. It will happen. Maybe not for months or years, but it will happen. Then she'll be sorry.
I'm glad I had THE talk with her. She seemed happier the last couple of days. I told her that her emotions being all over the place were part of puberty, and sometimes she was going to get upset and cry over things that normally she wouldn't. I know personally, when I find out that something is 'normal' it helps me to get through it. We also felt a closeness with each other that was comforting.
This morning I woke up to Leah coming into my room saying 'Mommy, Heather got her period'. 7am on a Sat. Leah has no idea what that means, she's only 5. I had to laugh, even though it was 7am.
One down, one to go....

ANOTHER Raise!

2008-05-21T22:13:00.002-04:00

Wow, do the AA Promises ever come true if you work the Program (of Alcoholics Anomymous).
I wrote about work, that one Assistant was fired and the other went on vacation.
Well, I filled in that week and at the end of the week I spoke with my boss. The plan was to get a temp who could assist until her Assistant came back from Mat leave in Dec.
She (Cheryl) offered me the job! Not only that, another (NICE) raise to go with it. I was shocked, but of course I said 'yes'.
I did have some problems last week with the other Assistant and one of the lawyers (K). When the other Assistant (A) came back from her vacation, she was not pleased to see me sitting in that chair. A and K gave me a very hard time. Last Wed I lost it, talked with another lawyer (M) and told her that I didn't want the job anymore and my sobriaty was not worth the job. I walked out. During this time, Cheryl was in a meeting and didn't know what was going on. M told me that after I left and Cheryl came out and heard what had happened, sh*t hit the fan. Cheryl was not upset with me, in fact, she defended me. She laid into A and K and told them to smarten up (I don't think it was said that nicely, though).
Cheryl wrote me a very nice email that night, said that I was doing a great job, she was sorry that they treated me so poorly, she was committed to having this work and other nice stuff. I was clearly shocked at this, as I thought that I was going to be out of a job. I wrote her back, told her the truth, that in the past 3 days the 2 of them (A and K) took me back 2 1/2 years. Cheryl knew me then. I told her that I was NOT going back to that place of 2 1/2 years ago under any circumstances. The rest of the week was okay, nothing major, but I kept quiet and did my work.

Today I had a great day. A and I were talking a bit in the kitchen/copy/binding room. She ended up telling me that she thought that I was doing an amazing job and that I'm catching on very quickly. I told her how much it meant to me that she said that. We talked about the fact that while I don't have the legal background, I do have other assets and strengths and we could work together pulling our individual strengths. It was a great talk and at the end of it she hugged me. I said to her 'work is so much better when we get along and communicate in an effective manner, isn't it?' She laughed and we went on with our day.
Towards the end of the day, I spoke with her about the laptop that Cheryl got for me so I could work at home. I told A that I wanted to do more work, I'm not getting paid extra for doing it, and I asked for the work. She is in her late 20's, engaged, planning a wedding, and have an active social life. I, on the other hand, am a single mother with 2 young kids. After they go to bed, I want more stuff to do. I can't go out at night (unless I get a babysitter, don't do that often because I don't want to). I'm not being 'poor me', I like my life and am very content with it.

I talked with Heather and Leah about it tonight, the fact that last week I was so upset and this week things are better. Things really can turn around and tomorrow IS another day. It's a nice, positive way to live, and that's all I'm trying to do.

A New Home.

2008-05-06T22:02:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time since I last posted. I find very few people read my blog, so I often forget to post.
My last post was about the fact that we had to move and I realized that we were quite happy where we were. That's still the case, but there are some compromises and solutions that we have found together as a family.
We finally found a place. I called today and confirmed. I took the girls to see it twice and at the same time brought some of my own adult friends to see it as well. It's in the school district, which is very good. The catchment area for this school is very small, pretty much everyone who goes to the school can walk there in 10 minutes (an 'adult' walk of 10 min, not a 5 year old walk of 40 min). It's 3 blocks away from here, but further from the school. It's the bottom floor of a triplex, meaning that it's a large house with 3 totally separate units. Ours is sort of semi-basement. We have to walk down a few steps, but it's above ground. It's cute, 2 bedroom, cozy kitchen, tiny bathroom. The rent is great, the owner is very nice. She owns our triplex and one next door to it, with a driveway between it. Cute backyard, parking, laundry. It's a nice place and I think we'll be happy there. The girls like it a lot, and I promised them that when we move there I will not attach their bunk beds and they can have 2 separate beds in the same room. We're also going to look for a dog once we're settled in. I felt a huge relief when I called today to say 'yes' we would take it.

Other news:
Work has been crazy. There are 4 lawyers, 2 assistants, and myself. I sort of do everything, including a/r, filing, some 'Clerk' stuff, and misc. stuff. Well, last Fri one assistant was let go. She was on contract for the assistant who is on mat leave (she's back in Dec). The other assistant is on vacation this week. Guess who that leaves to do all of the work??? ME! I'm sitting at the desk of the one who was fired. I have no idea what I have been doing for the past two days, but Cheryl (main lawyer) told me that I'm doing an awesome job. Doesn't feel like it, but I haven't screwed anything up yet, so I guess I'm doing something right. Cheryl told me how amazing it is to see how far I've come in the past two years. I started off with her 2 years ago, going in a couple of hours here and there to help out. I had zero self confidence and was not a happy camper with life. Now, 2 years later, I'm a different person (thanks to AA). Cheryl also told me that she thought I had lots of potential and how proud she is of me. It was obviously very nice to hear.

I also got my van back. Two years ago, I lost my licence because of a DUI. I was very much DUI. There are levels that 'they' give to help people understand where they are on the intoxicated scale. I blew 340, which is in between comatose and dead. Yes, I was driving. No, I didn't get into an accident or hurt anyone. Different lifetime ago. Anyway, April 28 was the end of the interlock condition on my license so now I have my van back and I can drive. It's really neat driving again after 2 years. Too bad gas is $1.20 a litre!

There's lots more, but nothing else really to write about now.
I'll write more again soon (as soon as something else interesting happens)....

Moving

2008-04-06T21:28:00.002-04:00

I've done some complaining about where we live in Toronto. We have no grass at all, we're attached to my sister and we always have to be quiet. We share a driveway, the neighbour's kid is the biggest brat I've ever known in my life. We're right in the middle of Toronto. The street is busy, lots of cars. Blah Blah Blah...
I found out last week that we have to move by July 1. Now, I knew when we moved in here 3 1/2 years ago that this place was supposed to be temporary. Scott and I had just separated, living in BC, and Scott (after lots of 'talking') agreed the girls and I could move back to Toronto because this is where I"m from, all my family is here. My sister and her business partner bought the house next to her when it went on the market. Plan was for them to rent it fully furnished for mega bucks. My sister found out about Scott and I, told me to come here before Scott changed his mind, and we've been here ever since.
I don't mind moving to another place. It's a new adventure. Oh, bull-crap...I HATE change, hate moving, and I don't want to do it (add in whiny voice, stomping of the foot, etc).
I've thought of moving to another area, one that is not as expensive. Relocation is not a horrible thing, I've done it more than once. Here, though, we have built a good life (not that it wasn't true in BC). The girls are older now, Heather almost 9 and Leah 5 1/2. They know enough now for it to have consequences for all of us.
I've told Heather that I will do my very best to stay in this area. I've realized that as much as it isn't BC, I do like it here. We are one block from the school and it takes me 20 min to get to work, that's taking a bus and a subway.
I'll keep you updated on the situation. It's still a bit of time before we have to make the actual decision as to where we're going. We will do our best to stay in this area. I promised Heather I'd try, we'll tell Leah tomorrow, and I'll promise the same thing. My 'best' is the best I can do.

Fake It Till You Make It

2008-03-16T08:48:00.003-04:00

I've heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it' regarding different aspects of life. AA uses the phrase to help a newcomer learn about the program without preaching and forcing someone to believe in what they don't believe in. For example, part of AA is to believe in a 'Higher Power', or a god of your understanding. It's whatever YOU believe in, there is no right or wrong answer. To some, it's a person, a group, their concept of something that is 'higher' than you are.
I have been using the concept of 'fake it...' for some time. I found that I was being more negative in life and miserable than I wanted to be. I 'faked' being happy and content. It's not that I wasn't somewhat happy, but I did not want to send out negative vibes. I wanted to 'stick with the winners' and in order to do that, I needed to attract and keep them.
My 8 year old, Heather, is overly emotional and tends to be negative without really meaning to be. She cries about everything. Always. She's losing friends because, really, who wants to be around someone like that? I know I don't, and I also know that you attract what you are. In my younger days, I lost plenty of friends with my whining and negativity. Although I know that my children have to make their own way and experience things to learn, it's my 'job' as a mother to guide and teach where I can. In this regard, I do have the experience to guide Heather. If I, as her mother, can't stand the crying and whining, what are her peers thinking?
So, being the good mother that I am, I started to teach her the concept of 'fake it till you make it'. Aside from her thinking that I was telling her it was okay to lie (about her feelings), she did start to 'get it'. This is still very new for her, so it's a process that's evolving.
The big thing, my 'ah-ha', spiritual awakening, epiphany, whatever you want to call it, was that while explaining this to Heather I realized that I'm NOT 'faking it' and that I've 'made it'. I was faking being happy, joyous and free. Not that I was being execptionally happy, but I was 'faking' being positive about everything in order to change my way of thinking (all part of AA program).
My big moment....I really AM happy and positive. Holy crap, when did THAT happen?
Don't confuse that statement to say that I'm walking around in a pink cloud and being disgustingly smily and happy always. It means that my outlook on life and myself have changed. I know that I'm an okay person. I know I work hard, help other people, try to stay positive. I'm a good person and I deserve good things to happen to me. WOW! To some of you, that might seem silly or retorical, but to ME, it's HUGE. I really do feel this way.
Now, if I keep working on Heather, perhaps I can 'teach' her not to cry every other minute and be more positive about stuff. It's not all about me, but while helping her it was amazing to me to have this feeling of happiness within myself. It's all good (today)!

Did Hell Freeze Over??

2008-03-01T21:37:00.003-05:00

Today the girls and I took Zoey (our other dog) to a 'rescue' place. To make a very long story short, Scott moved to an apartment and he could not keep Zoey. We couldn't keep her, either. Scott told me a few days ago that he was going to take her to the humane society. We've had Zoey since she was a puppy. She's a great dog, very loyal, sweet, and unique. Her mother was malamute/wolf, her father sheppard/wolf. When Scott told me that he was going to take her to the Humane Society, I couldn't sleep or stop thinking about Zoey being locked in a small cage for the rest of her life, to be put down by strangers. I googled and called people because I didn't think that was fair to Zoey. I ended up finding a rescue home that would take her. She's over 10, part wolf, in fairly good health, but she's still 10. Nobody would adopt her and I knew it. The girls and I took her to Siber Rescue today with my friend, Louise. It was very hard for us, and Heather and I left there in tears. I know it's for the best for Zoey, and I know she'll be happy, but it still hurts knowing that I couldn't take her. There will never be another Zoey, just like Floyd, a special member of our family.
Scott phoned tonight to say goodnight to the girls and also to see how it went with Zoey. The resuce place (Lisa) needed $300 to cover some costs for her. Scott said he would pay for part, but then showed up Thurs with Zoey and no money. When Scott called today, he made a comment like 'I know you think that I'm cold-hearted and hard' to which I replied that I knew he was; he always was and would always be that way, it was who he was. He didn't really like that comment. After he talked to the girls, he called back about 1/2 hour later and asked me to talk. I said 'sure' and listened. He told me that things were very bad for him work-wise, socially, and financially (what else is there?). I knew things were a bit bad, but he was very bummed out. He told me that he did love Zoey and how hard it was for him. Now, here's the 'hell freezes over' part...he said that he was proud of me for what I have accomplished over the past 2 years. He said that he's seen so many people not recover from addiction, and he is lucky enough not to have that personality. Many years ago, he was into other stuff, other than pot and booze. He just decided one day to stop and turned it off. He is lucky. But he told me how well he thinks I'm doing and how great it is. I've know this man for about 12 years. Married, 2 kids, separated. He has never even come close to saying that to me before. He said that financially things are horrible for him, how down he is because of it, and how he promises to 'provide' for 'his' family as soon as he can. I reminded him that I am not part of that anymore, we're separated, but that's great for the girls. He told me that no matter what I am still 'part of' his family. It was weird, hearing him say that stuff. Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to tell him to screw off, but I didn't. He actually showed vulnerablity, even a bit of humility. Things I've never seen. Wow, I was impressed he could actually show any real feelings at all.
Will things change between us? Never. See, all of these feelings he's expressing are great, but I still don't feel anything positive towards him. One phone call showing me that he actually does have a heart doesn't change the fact that he's still an ass. And a jerk. And, he was stoned and drunk tonight, as usual. Some things never will change, but at least he's made some sort of effort.
My final words for this 'change'...what goes around, comes around. Things are how they should be, for both of us.

Be Right or Be Nice

2008-02-22T06:28:00.003-05:00

I have a very wise AA sponser. Her name is Judy (I can say that because none of you know her). Throughout life, there are choices to make, and how I make them can have an impact on my sobriaty and my recovery as a whole. Judy usually lets me vent and to speak my mind. Then she asks me if the choice I am making is to be right or to be kind. It helps me to put things in perspective.

My current choice has to do with Scott and the girls (as usual). The choice has to do with my court stuff with Scott and closure to this. Here's the short version. The current court Order we have has some good and bad things in it. According to the Order, I am required to attend AA everyday. I have to go for urine testing 3 times a week to check for alcohol. I cannot drive with the girls. The girls primary residence is with me. Scott has access ever other weekend from Fri to Sun evening. A few weeks ago we had a court date to vary the order, that is, to change it so I don't have to do all of these things and I can drive with the girls. I was charged in Dec/05 with impaired. In Ontario the minimum that can happen, which I received, was $1000 fine, 1 year suspension followed by 1 year interlock device (breathalizer) in the car. I currently have until the end of April until the interlock condition is removed, at that point I can drive again like a 'normal' person. The Order also states that Scott has acess every other weekend. Period. That's it. Because it is the right thing to do for the girls, I also give him (them) until Mon am on his weekends, 2 weeks in the summer, 1/2 of Christmas, including Eve and Day (I'm Jewish, don't need those days).
When we went to court, we had an Order that was to be on Consent (that means that both parties agree to the Order). It had all of the above in it, plus the Order had a bunch of acess time that I was giving him anyway. Nice, neat, fair.
One of my choices is to see if he will simply sign the Order or if I should go back to court, yet again, to have the Order varied and also go for sole custody. I know I can do that, and I know I will probably win, thereby having sole custody. He has demonstrated, over and over again, why I should have it by his actions. I have the documents drafted, so it's not even a lot of work to do it.
After talking with my lawyer, and with Judy, I have almost concluded my future actions. I asked Scott when he picked the girls up last night if he would sign an Order now. Because he does not have a lawyer right now (his fired him), he can sign himself. He said he would. However, it will not be the original Order that was prepared for our last court date. I will have a new Order prepared that ONLY lists those things that I want changed. It will be short and sweet. I don't have to attend AA daily, I can drive with the girls, etc. That's IT. That will be fair to me, giving me the closure I need and the vices I need to 'get on' with things and put my 'bottom' behind me. Then, the choice becomes his. If he is not happy with that and wants all of that extra stuff in it, he can make the effort to do so.
The conclusion to this: I am being nice...and right.

Let it STOP Snowing

2008-02-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Okay, enough is enough.

The first picture was taken when the girls were skating. It was a Brownie 'family skate night', and the snow was crazy. The second picture was taken when we got home, it's from our front door. Yesterday morning, there was barely any snow on the ground, by 8pm, that's what it looked like.

Too much!!

Oye, what a day

2008-02-04T18:06:00.000-05:00

So, we were supposed to go to court today. Scott said he would agree to varing the existing order. It benefited both of us, I would not have manditory AA, plus some other stuff, and he would be getting a whole bunch more access with the girls. I spoke with him briefly last night and he said that he was going and we would meet before hand. This morning, around 10:30, I tried to call him. His phone was off. He doesn't have voicemail, so I emailed him on his blackberry. About 1/2 hour later I get a response...'i'm sorry, I cannot attend'. That's it. I emailed back 'are you kidding me?' I asked him to call me, I emailed him again and still no response and the phone off. Oh, before that I had called the gov't agency that controls the child support payments (he pays them, they pay me). His last cheque bounced and they have not been able to contact him. Anyway, hearing that and no explanation as to why he was not going to court got me freaked out. I called the daycare and the school and told them under no circumstances were the girls to be released to him. I thought with all that's going on he was going to take the kids. He didn't do that, but I was freaked anyway.
My lawyer, Malerie, and I go to court. We ended up getting costs (means he has to pay me for the cost of going to court), plus we can now bring a motion to vary the order (means we can go back to court to have the stuff I want taken out). I"m not sure if I wrote before about 'sole custody', but it was on the original legal stuff we did a couple of years ago. I think that now I am going to go for sole custody. My lawyer said that because he didn't even show up, and the way he did it, looks very bad for him.
I never wanted all of this. I was content with shared custody and him seeing the girls as much as he wanted to. I've offered him a flex day during the week when he could take them for dinner. He's never taken me up on that offer and seen them during the week.
I've often thought what it would be like for me to tell the girls just what kind of a person their father is. I've refrained from doing that because I love the kids and I don't want to hurt them. I've learned that I don't have to do anything, he is doing it on his own. I do my best not to say anything negative about him, but they are seeing for themselves what an ass he really is. He constantly dissapoints them, he's unreliable, and he doesn't keep his promises. I'm learning that just by doing nothing I can offer my kids more than doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed off about all of it. But, I'm taking deep breathes and calming down. I've used my AA Steps in dealing with this, and for me, it's working.
Not all men are shits, but my ex certainly is. And I don't have to do or say anything to prove it...he does it all on his own!

Hi ho, Hi ho,it's off to Court I go

2008-01-29T22:14:00.000-05:00

In March/06 things were very bad for me. I had just become sober (Jan 21), Scott had 'scooped' the kids, I didn't have a job, blah blah blah. At the time, the judge made an Order and that Order is still in effect. There are some things in there that just don't apply any longer. Scott and I have agreed on the changes to be made, a better Agreement or Order for us and the girls. Problem is that Scott has decided he doesn't want anything more to do with lawyers or the Court. This has been going on for some time now. We agree with the changes, but he hasn't paid his lawyer so she's not doing any more work for him at all. He flat out refuses to do anything. After months of going back and forth, my lawyers and I decided that we would book a court date for a Case Conference. A Case Conference is something where the lawyers and parties go in front of a judge and the will make some decisions about the case. The judge cannot make any major decisions, but s/he still can make some.
I told Scott about this. I told him that most likely he would have to pay my costs because it's not necessary for this. He just doesn't care. He still has not paid me costs awarded to me in Mar/06. Anyway, we served his lawyer yesterday with our stuff for court. She has (again or still) not responded in any way to this.
So, Mon, my lawyer and I will go to court to try to get his lawyer off the record (means she won't reprsent him any more) and try to get this thing done.
I'll keep you updated if anything exciting happens.

Oh, update on my cousin H who has the drinking problem...
He did come over a couple of weeks ago. Once again he assured me that there was nothing wrong and everything was getting blown out of proportion. In other words, he doesn't think there is a problem at all. I told his wife, again, nothing anyone can do until he realizes that there is a problem. I'll keep you updated on that as well.

MY ex IS dumber than yours

2008-01-13T00:41:00.000-05:00

Scott's birthday was this past Wed. I told him a couple of weeks ago that if he wanted to take the girls out for dinner that night, he could (yes, that is nice of me). He said 'maybe'.
Heather decided that she wanted to make him a present. She had the idea to sew something for him. She took her idea to the daycare where they are much more creative than I am. One of the teachers brought in a scarf for a man. Heather took a piece of felt, sewed their last name, put some stars/snowflakes on it, and sewed it onto the scarf. She worked very hard on, was very proud of it, as she should have been...it looked great.
Day before Scott's birthday, the girls are talking to him on the phone and Heather tells him what she made. His response??? 'I hate scarves, I'll never wear it'. Then came 'Daddy, can you take us for dinner tomorrow night for your birthday, we want to see you?' Response?? 'My truck is broken, we'll see.' Heather was totally heartbroken. She was so upset about the two things, the scarf and the dinner. I called Scott back when the girls could not hear me and told him that he had better call back and tell Heather he was sorry. He did, but she was still upset. Who says that to a child who worked hard on something?
He called me the next day at work (Wed, his birthday) to tell me he was not going to take the girls for dinner. His truck was still broken. I went to the daycare to pick the girls up. Went to Heather's room first. A teacher saw me, came over to me and told me that Heather was talking about her father's birthday and how they were going for dinner that night. So, again, I had to break her heart and tell her that her father wasn't coming for dinner. I told her the reason. She asked what was wrong with the subway or a taxi. I couldn't answer her. I gave Heather and Leah a choice: we could go out for dinner ourselves or I could make dinner and they could have a big bowl of ice cream after dinner. They decided that the ice cream was a better deal. At the end of it, they were fine. They talked to their father. They were happy with their ice cream.
But I ask you...who has the dumber ex???

Family

2008-01-09T21:57:00.000-05:00

I have written a bit about my sister and her life right now. She's separated from her husband, he lives in the house, and she now has a boyfriend. It's not the ideal situation, for obvious reasons. I have my views and sometimes it's hard to keep them to myself.
My family and I have always been fairly close. I have 6 first cousins, from both sides of my family. My maternal cousins are no way as disfunctional as my paternal cousins. On the paternal side, there are 3 kids. All 3 are married. My one cousin, H, lived in Asia for about 9 years, the same time I lived in BC. This blog is going to be about H.
H has a major drinking problem. He's a practicing alcoholic. He got married just over a year ago. He and his wife are expecting their first baby in May. I've been talking to my uncle (his father) and his wife for a couple of months now. At one point I did talk to H. At the time, H told me that everything was being blown out of proportion and there wasn't a problem. I know differently. Being a (recovering) alcoholic myself, I know the signs. Over the past couple of months I've talked to his wife, S, several times about it. H is not even close to admitting that he has a problem. That's the first step in recovery, admitting that you have a problem. Without that there is no recovery. I found out some stuff tonight about H that sickens me. His wife left him yesterday. I talked to her tonight. We know that there is a problem, a very serious one. He has chosen alcohol over his wife and unborn child. His choice. Problem is, he is blaming all of his problems on his wife. All I heard from him was 'she did' so he 'had a couple of drinks'. I've been there. I know what that is like. If I had a good day, bad day, fight with someone, anything, I drank beacause of it. When Heather had her tonsils out Scott promised her he would be at the hospital. He didn't show. I got drunk. It really didn't matter. H is at that point. He is lying about drinking, hiding booze, and doing all sorts of things that alcoholics do. I had a long talk with his wife about how some alcoholics think. I hope I helped her. She is so fed up, hurt, and confused by all of this.
H is supposed to come over Sat to talk to me. I'm worried about him. I know where he's at and he has 2 choices: live or die. His current path is death. I want to smack him in the head so he can see what he is doing to himself and his family. I can't do that. I was and often am that person. I've learned that you cannot force someone to do anything, even if you know that person is hurting themselves. Instead of thinking of the things I can't do, I'm going to concentrate on the things that I can do. I can talk to him and I can tell him things that I went through to get to where I am now. I don't often say 'yay me', but sometimes I do. I am approaching 2 years in AA and that IS something. I can offer H my experience, strength, and hope. I can talk to him about the true realities of this disease. That is my 'smack in the head' for this situation. I will post after our conversation Sat to let you know how it went. I really want the 'smack in the head' to work.

Happy 2008!

2008-01-01T00:53:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!
It's hard for me to believe that it's already 2008, I was wondering what happened to the summer. We have tons of snow here, even snowed more tonight.
We had a pretty good night. I worked, but got out at 3. Scott and the girls were waiting for me when I got home. He dropped the girls off, and it was just the girls again. I really missed them, they were gone for a week.
We were invited to two places tonight. One was a friend who lives on the same street as us, the other my sister, who is next door. My sister started a 'games night' years ago and my mother and her 'friend' go as well. We also had a guest, Heather's best friend Emily. We started off here, had dinner, then went to Louise's house (friend on our street). There were some other people there, kids, and all of the kids were crazy, running around and yelling. We left there to go to my sister's place around 9. Games night is fun, but tiring. My sister also has a new 'friend'. Here's the soap opera again...she's separated from her husband, has been since the summer, and he is living in the basement. Her new 'friend', Kurt, was over with his 2 sons, 8 and 10. I first heard about him a few weeks ago. He was some guy that she met, they were just friends, and she was 'helping him with some stuff'. It was pretty obvious tonight that he was more than 'just a friend'. I have mixed feelings about that. I want my sister to be happy, but her husband is living in the basement. Anyway, not the time or place to talk about that. New Year's.... Rhonda (sister) goes out and gets a whole bunch of 'prizes' for the games. She also had some 'grand prizes' as well, they were predetermined when she bought them. Kurt's boys ended up with a Simpson's dvd, we ended up with a cd player. All of the kids were happy with their stuff. There was also tons of little things, bubbles, candy, cards, pencils, glitter glue, etc. You know, dollar store stuff that kids love but parents hate. We did have a fun time. Leah, who is only 5, kicked some major butt in 'Connect Four'. At 11:50, we all went and turned the tv on, watched the ball drop, and said 'Happy New Year'. We even hugged. Wow. I guess once a year is pretty good for that. My neice and I never hug, she hates to be touched. We do the pretend hand shake, it's pretty funny. My nephew hugged me, that was pretty neat.
At 12:10, I took Heather, Leah, and Emily home. It took a long time to settle them in. Leah went to sleep in my bed. That took about 10 minutes. We started with Heather and Emily in Heather's bed, but it became apparent in less than 1 minute that that plan was not going to work. They were both very tired and grumpy. Emily decided that she wanted to go home, but her parent's were not home yet. Heather wanted to call her father, his phone was turned off and he doesn't have voicemail. They were both crying. Nice way to start the year. Anyway, I did get them both settled down, they are both sleeping now. I'm quite sure that all will be well in the morning. Aside from the breakdowns afterwards, it was fun. One of the nice things about it...no champaigne at midnight at my sister's house. Not even a mention of it. Was a very nice way for me to start the year.
I hope all of you had a peaceful and happy night.
I wish all of you a healthy and happy 2008!

ZOEY

2007-12-24T17:17:00.000-05:00

I've posted before about our dogs that we got when we lived in BC. Floyd was a black lab, total spaz, goofy, and loving. He died this past summer. It was very hard for all of us, we got Floyd the same day we took possession of our house in BC. A few months later, we got Zoey. She's half-wolf (both parents were half-wolf, I'm not really sure what that makes her). Zoey is a beautiful dog, very timid, doesn't like man-made stuff, and an excellent watch-dog. She's tiny for a wolf-cross, only about 65-70 lbs. Since Scott was taking the girls for a week over the break to visit his family a few hours from Toronto, I asked if I could take Zoey. It works out well for all of us. I'm not all alone, Scott doesn't have to worry about her when they are away, and the girls know that both Zoey and I are going to keep each other company. I thought that Scott was going to bring Zoey on Boxing Day. He told me that a couple of days ago. He shows up today to get the girls, and who does he have with him? Zoey. That's great, I'm happy about that. Problem is, he didn't give me any time to get the house ready for a dog. He also told me that he 'just' ran out of food. Great. The girls left and thank goodness our grocery store is open until 6 tonight. I went and got Zoey some food and treats. She is THE pickiest eater I have EVER seen. I got a couple of different foods for her, but I also know that she loves 'people' food best. In BC, when we fed the dogs, Floyd would gobble his up within a minute and Zoey would take an hour to eat her food. That's just how she is.
Another small problem is my sister and her family who live next door. My sister and her business partner own my house and she's told me any time I have asked that we are NOT allowed to have pets. When she finds out that Zoey is here, she's going to flip. Thing is, I don't really care. They have pets (2 cats), that's fine. If my sister finds out, I'll just deal with it at the time. I will be honest with her and tell her that I didn't want to be all alone, and Scott could not leave her alone for more that a day or two. I can also tell her that this is a bad time of the year for me...it was 2 years ago that I was at my 'bottom' and I was introduced to AA. It is a hard time for me. I have come a long way, I know that, but it does scare me when I think about it. Part of my 'bottom' was knowing that I was alone for a week over the holidays. I enjoy being alone, I do, but it's nice to know that I have some company while the girls are gone.
Anyway, I'm very happy to have Zoey here with me. She's a good dog and I missed her. If I get my digital camera working any time soon, I'll take pictures and post them.

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-22T16:18:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays to my friends in Blogland. Not 'Merry Christmas', 'Happy Holidays'. It's against my religion to say 'Merry Christmas' and those who do say it offend me.
Michelle, I'm joking!! Merry Christmas AND Happy Holidays!
I have taken a bit of a break from writing this blog. It's not that I'm tired of it, I really didn't have anything new to say. Life is busy, work is busy, home is busy, rush rush rush. I've been reading other blogs and trying to comment when I can, but haven't had the energy or new thoughts for a post.
Poor me...I'm going to be all alone from x-mas eve until New Year's eve. My babies are going with their father for an entire week. All alone.
I have all of next week of work, exept I will go in for a couple of days on my own time. That means I likely won't get there before noon. During the week I'm up before 6 and at work around 8:15, after dropping the girls off at daycare. Weekends are my time to sleep, especially when the girls are not with me. Originally, Scott asked me if he could take the girls for x-mas. Since I'm Jewish, it doesn't really matter to me. The girls and I had our Hanukkah with my family. It was great, they got tons of stuff. I told Scott he could pick the girls up x-mas eve, around 4pm. He is going to Chatham, about 3 hours from Toronto, to visit his family and stay with his sister and her family. Since next weekend is his anyway, I told him that they could stay with him on the Thurs as well. He's taking them Tues and Wed, then has Fri-Sun, that made sense to keep them Thurs. I asked him to bring them back Sun afternoon. Then I found out that I had to work on the Mon, Dec 31. I asked for the day off, but that's a 'no'. I asked Scott if he wanted the extra day, to bring them back on Mon afternoon. Now, that's the plan. Although it sucks that then entire time I'm off work the girls will be with him, it feels good that I'm doing something good for them.
Christmas night, I have been invited to my ex-brother in law's for dinner. My sister's ex husband invites my sister, their kids, my mom and her 'friend', and me (plus my kids if I have them). There's an entire soap opera right there. My sister's ex is gay, he has a boyfriend who lives in San Fransisco. Yep, soap opera.
Kids are yelling for me. I will try to post later.

A lovely work day...NOT!

2007-11-22T16:16:00.000-05:00

I often wonder where I fit in, in my family, at work, and life in general. It's not in a 'poor me, nobody likes me', but rather a feeling that sometimes it wouldn't matter if I was there or not. I know that's not the case with my daughters, they need me as much as I need them.
At work, I've sort of developed or created my own position there. There are the lawyers, the assistants, and me. There are 3 lawyers and 2 assistants. The assistants were friends before they started to work together at our firm. Part of the problem is that my 'space' is in the back. Not really out of the way, but more separate than the other people. I don't hear the conversations and jokes that occur with the others. Most of the time, I don't really care. I've got my own work to do and I'm not distracted by other people talking.
There is one assistant, 'A', who I'm not totally fond of, and I think the feeling is mutual. We tolerate each other, and help each other when we need to. Because the 2 assistants ('A' and 'K')are friends, conversations often get hushed when I walk up to them. 'K' is pregnant and has about 3 weeks left at work. 'A' very recently got engaged. For the most part, we keep our personal lives just that, personal. We know basic stuff about each other, but it's not a gossipy kind of place at all. I like that because I really dislike work gossip. Today there were a couple of times that I asked a question and basically got a 'none of your business' response in a very rude tone. That really pissed me off. Seems like everyone else knows and all I did was ask a confirmation question. I went back to my desk, did some work. I had to go get some stuff and had to see 'A', the one who said it to me. She did apologize, but it was more of a 'sorry I snapped' than anything else. By that point, I was too pissed off to care. I started to say something, god forbid I ask a question there, but I stopped. I have learned not to be impulsive with the things I want to say. Shortly thereafter, I heard whispers going on. Pissed me off even more. As I am technically finished work at 3:15 and it was 3:30, I decided it was best for everyone if I left. I put some stuff in a bag to take home, and just walked out of there. Felt good, just leaving. By tomorrow, things will calm down. But, I have learned, once again, not to ask questions. If I'm to know something, 'they' will tell me. Some things are just not worth the time or effort to stress over.

Why do I live here?

2007-11-17T22:06:00.001-05:00

My ex, Scott, and I, moved to BC in 1996. At the time, we were moving there to start a new life, which we did. We got married, had 2 beautiful daughters, a house, and 2 dogs. The whole time we were there, my mother, at least once a week, would let me know how much she missed me and wanted us (me) to move back to Toronto. I loved our life in BC, for the most part. It's a beautiful province and the people are different (in a good way). I made life-long friends there, some of which I think of and miss every day. Anyway, when our married finally ended, moving back to Toronto seemed like a good idea. My mom was always saying things like 'if you lived here, I could help you out more'; 'I miss the girls'; 'we could open a business together'; 'we would get to know each other more', etc. You get the idea...move back and life would be great. As it was, Scott was very verbally abusive towards me, so when the marriage ended and the idea of moving closer to my family sounded good. The girls and I live next to my sister and my mother is 10 minutes away. There are good and bad things about it. We're in a semi-detached home, so we always have to be quiet because my sister's family is quiet. We have dinner together every Sunday night, it's been like that for many years. Most often, that's the only time I see my sister and my mother. My sister is the most private person I know. She doesn't talk about anything of substance. I talk to my mother a couple of times a week, but life is busy. She's always saying how she wants to spend more time with the girls, take them out, and be with them. There's a catch, though...it's only on her time. I've asked her a couple of times to babysit while I go out. Most times she can't as she's busy. I'm thrilled that my mother, 68 years old, has a much better social life than I have. She has a companion and they do everything together. They are exactly like a married couple in love, except they don't live together and he's gay.
This year in particular, things are very busy for me. I'm working full time, and I always have the girls, except every other weekend. I'm also active in my AA groups, but they are noon meetings so I do that during the day. I'm the VP of the daycare Board of Directors. The girls are both in programs (Martial Arts, Brownies, the usual school stuff). I rarely go out, even the weekends I don't have the girls. I don't isolate, but I also don't go out during the week.
When I got the schedule for the daycare Board meetings, I told my mother and asked her if there were any nights she had free, she could spend extra time with the girls (the meetings are once per month) . I know this Tues there's a meeting and she's with the girls.
I was asked to speak at another AA meeting. My neighbour, Eric, goes to different meetings, he goes at night. I was bugging him that he didn't come to hear me last week (it went very well, by the way!). He said next time he Chairs his meeting, he's going to ask me to speak. When you chair a meeting, you run the meeting...get the people who read, get a speaker, and run the meeting. So, he asked me last night if I would speak at his meeting Dec 6, it's a Thurs. I called my mother and asked her if she was available to babysit that night. She freaked at me. Really. She said she doesn't have time at night, she's very busy, and she is NOT here to babysit my kids while I go out. She really reamed me out. Well. That was a lot in a short conversation. I told Eric that I would speak, but I have to get a sitter. I started to get upset at my mother. Yes, I know she has a life, she's not a babysitter. However, to my defense, she's always telling me she wants to spend more time with the girls. Since they are at school during the day, it leaves the night for her to spend time with them. What happened to 'if you lived here...'? I rarely ask my mother for anything, often if I do I get the same response...'I can't afford it' or 'I'm busy that night'. I haven't asked her for anything material in more than a year. I was very upset by her reaction and vowed that I won't ask her again to babysit. She can see the girls once a week, since that's the time that everyone has put aside for dinner.
She ended up calling me back to apologise. I didn't hear my phone, but she left a messge telling me she was sorry. I didn't call her back, so of course she called me back. I was still upset, but told her it was fine, I would get a sitter.
The more I thought about it, the more upset I got about it. Why did I move back to a city I disliked? I hate the weather, there's too many people, no mountains, and just too busy for me. It's also not as safe as Maple Ridge, where we lived in BC. The reason we moved back was to be closer to my family. Well, we are a lot closer to my family, but it doesn't seem to make any difference. I actually talked to my sister and my mother more when I lived in BC. I know at some point we have to move from this house, probably at the end of the school year. I was going to try to stay in this area, but realistically, it's not my first choice. It's close to work, and the school is great, but there are other good schools out of the city. I can worry about the job once we decide on a place to live.
My mother called me again this morning. She apologised again. She said that I'm a good person who only does good thing for other people and I didn't deserve to be talked to that way. She said some of what I was thinking. We moved her so we could see each other more. We don't. She said that she's going to make more of an effort to spend more time with the girls. That doesn't mean that I want her to babysit all the time. I know it's going to be a long time, if ever, that I ask her to babysit, but I don't think she'll be as rough with me. I also told her that speaking at an AA meeting is important, and I was going to do it anyway. I was asking her first if she was available to spend time with the girls, not to use her as a babysitter.
One of the main differences now that I'm in AA is that now I can let things go once they happen. I don't have a resentment because of the way she yelled at me. I'm not moping and thinking that I'm going to move far away. It's over and done with, for me at least.
We still have to wait to see if she is available for Dec 6, the original reason I called her. Funny how that just dissapears when other stuff happens.

Me? A speaker???

2007-11-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

I was asked to speak at my Mon noon meeting. I've been on the committee for a few months, becoming active in the group. I'm secretary there, means I stand at the front and say the announcements and hand out chips to those who have earned them (first year of sobriaty, 1/3/6/9 months, plus a chip for anyone who has a desire to quite for the day).
Beth, a woman who has been in the program the same lengh of time as me, has asked me to speak at this meeting. I knew the time was coming when I'd be asked, just didn't know when it would be. Being asked to speak is a fairly big deal. It means that you go the the front of the room and share your story, your experience, strength, and hope with fellow alcoholics. There's usually about 50 people or so at this meeting. Since it's the first time I am speaking and sharing my story, I'm a tad bit nervous about it. What could I possibly say that may help someone else? I don't really know what the answer is, but I'm going to give it my best. I have learned so much from other people sharing, it's really what AA is all about. I know one thing I really want to say: the alcoholism really is a disease, and it's not something you can help doing. It doesn't mean that you are a weak person, it means that you are sick and need help. I've learned over time that AA meetings are my 'medicine'. I have a thyroid problem, I've been on suppliments for years. It's a sickness. In that respect, AA cannot cure me, but it can maintain me.
Wish me luck tomorrow. I think I'll be okay as long as I speak from the heart.

It's time for a new post!

2007-10-17T18:48:00.000-04:00

My life has been very busy lately, or still, depending on how you look at things.

Work is going very well. When I first started working at the family law office, I felt like Benny from 'LA Law'. He was a mentally challenged worker who did all of the menial stuff around the office. Can I get this file, photocopy this, put these papers in order, etc. It wasn't the other people who made me feel that way, it was me and the way I felt about myself. Don't they know who I am? Don't they know what I've done? I then realized that I was making myself feel that way. Yes, I have a BA, yes, I have worked in companies where I've travelled, had company cars and visa's. Yes, I've run my own business and also worked for family for many years. All of that doesn't really matter. What matters are the things I am doing NOW to support my family. I have to do it all. I do get some support money from my ex, but on the whole, I support us. Usually at work I'm very busy. I was initially hired to do the filing, it was a part time job a few hours a week. Over the past year, it's developed into a job where I'm paid for 5 hours a day, but put in an average of 7. I feel proud of what I've done there. I've turned that filing job into much more, and I'm given more responsibility there all the time. I'm now Account's Recievable. That in itself is funny to me, I failed math in a big way. I hate math and numbers. But, I am good with people and I'm good at getting them to pay some of the money they owe. Lawyers are expensive (mine is $450/hr!), and it adds up quickly. It's not unusual for someone to owe over $5000 in a month. Anyway, in addition to that, I've been given several 'put together' projects. I now am comfortable putting together court documents in triplicate from scratch. I was also told today that I'm getting another program for my computer that everyone else has. It's the main program for documents and putting together things for court. It's weird there: there are the lawyers, and the assisstants, and then there's me. I'm the odd-one out. Again, that bothered me at first, but now I'm getting used to it and I kind of like it. I don't have a job description and I am being given other opportunities to grow there. I've made myself an important part of the 'team', the finished product. Today one of the lawyers asked me to help her find stuff in a file. As I do the filing, I know where everything is. They have learned that they only need to ask me anything about a file and I know where it is. Sure, I'll never be 'president', I'll never save the world there...but, I do contribute in a big way and I've made myself an important part of the team. For me, right now in my life, that's enough. I'm thankful that I have this job and have been given the opportunity to make it grow. I, for one, don't mind going to work everyday. I'm not sure how many people can honestly say that.

Tagged

2007-10-11T19:20:00.000-04:00

I was tagged by Tweetey. I've never been tagged before, so I now feel like I'm 'part of' the blog world. Thanks, Tweetey.
Seven things about me...

1. I'm a recovering alcoholic. That's the number one thing in my life, the recovering part. Some of you might be upset that it comes before my kids. I have learned the hard way that without my sobriaty, I don't have anything else. First thought of the day (after 'crap, it's too early to get up') is thanking my higher power and asking for another sober day. Last thought at night (after 'I should have gone to bed earlier') is thanking my higher power for the gift of my children and having a sober day.

2. My two daughters are my life. I love them for who they are (exept when they don't listen, when they whine, cry for no reason, fight, and stay up too late). They both have exceptionally good hearts. Leah was a 'what, I'm pregnant?' It was totally the wrong time, and I was told after Heather not to have more kids. I can't imagine life without the two of them.

3. I make an effort to see positive in everyone. Sometimes it's very hard. I tend to stay away from negative people. I teach my kids that you will attract what you are. If I am a positive person, I will attract positive people.

4. I haven't had sex in about 4 years. I don't really care. I've never had wild, amazing sex. I can't miss what I've never had.

5. I still find it strange to be living in Toronto again. I grew up here, spent the first 30 years of my life here, spent almost 9 years in BC and have been back for almost 3 years. I wake up expecting to see the mountains and a huge backyard. I don't. I see concrete.

6. I honestly get dissapointed when I check my lottery numbers and I haven't won. I don't buy tickets often because of that.

7. I can't stand surprises and presents. I am a total 'snooper'. It really bugs me when someone starts to say something but then says 'never mind'.

I'm now supposed to tag 7 other people. To be honest, I don't really know 7 people who read my blog, so I can't.
I can attempt to tag:
Michelle
Lisa
Inmatz Wife
Ryan

Those are the blogs that I read most often and who might somewhat know who I am. I'm not tagging Tweetey because she tagged me.

October 5, 2004

2007-10-06T10:17:00.001-04:00

I was out with some friends last night when it suddendly dawned on me that our official 'Separation' date is Oct 5. Luckily, I was out with a bunch of single women, so when I announced that it's been 3 years since we've been separated, we all did a huge 'congrats' and high 5's around the table. It's nice to be with people who appreciate the joys of being separated.

That got me thinking about legal stuff. Since I work in a legal office, I see stuff every day. I've seen lots of files where I've seen the divorce application go into the courts then the divorce order come back; parties are divorced, close the file, put it in storage. I looked into my own file and realized that we don't even have an Application in yet. There was so much stuff going on when he scooped the girls that I didn't even think about it. We talked about it once a while ago when I mentioned to him that we are no closer to divorce than we were the day we separated. Really, unless you're going to marry again, the divorce is just a piece of paper.
I mentioned a while back about the current court Order that is in place. Currently, that is the only legal thing we have. There are a couple of clauses that I want changed and Scott agrees with them. After going on for several months trying to get him to either pay his lawyer or get her off the record, he finally told me the other day that he wasn't going to do anything. Yep, he is sick of the legal stuff and doesn't want to have anything more to do with it. Ha! As if it was that simple! I drafted a new consent Order and letter to his lawyer, showed it to my lawyer and we're going to send it next week. Enough of the crap. This is going to end up costing him a lot more money that if he had simply followed through with what I asked him to do and he agreed to do. Lawyers charge for everything. 'Good morning' can cost you $50. That's not why I'm doing it, although I do have to admit that it's a nice side benefit. I want this thing done. Enough is enough. Scott still has not paid me the costs awarded to me over a year ago. Worst of all, I asked him if he would please contribute to some the things for the girls. Brownies, martial arts, art class, etc. His response was that he couldn't now because he didn't have the money. Yah, I told him I expected that answer but just wanted to see if I was right.

I expected to feel something when I realized it's been 3 years. Honestly, I felt relief that the marriage really was over and has been for a long time. As a marriage certificate is a piece of paper with a lot of meaning to it, a divorce certificate can mean just as much to some. I once told a friend who was getting married that marriage is the same, but different as before. I think the same goes for divorce. Those of you who are divorced will know exactly what I mean.

Mommy & Leah Weekend

2007-10-01T21:32:00.000-04:00

Leah and I had a 'Mommy & Leah' weekend this past weekend. Heather is in Brownies, she loves it and lots of her friends are in it. This past weekend was the Brownie Camp Weekend. They left on Fri evening, came home Sun. At first, this sounds like an amazing opportunity for friends to get together, bond, and enjoy the great outdoors. The girls and I got to the pick up place at the appointed time. Somehow, a lot of the girls were already paired up with whom they were going to sit with on the bus. Heather felt left out. Having felt this way for most of my life, I can relate to that feeling. It sucks. I talked with Heather, told a couple of the Brownie Leaders about why she was upset, and they found some girls for her to sit with. Anyway, after sending a crying Hetaher on a bus with the Brownies, I had to get into the moment and concetrate on Leah. We went to the video store, renting Barbie and the Island Princess, a new movie she really wanted to see. We had our own fun over the weekend. She had a 'Toys R Us' gift card from her birthday last month. After watching the Barbie movie, Leah and I went to 'TRUs' and I let her pick out things that SHE wanted to get. I emphasize that, because Leah doesn't always get things that SHE wants. I've seen it all too often that Heather will convince Leah that she wants things that Heather actually wants. It's quite the manipulation game. After Leah picked out things that she wanted, we went for a walk, then went home. we ended up going out for dinner, and, as both of us were tired, she was sleeping by 8pm and I was in bed by 9. Yep, me, in bed at 9pm on a Sat. Oh well, it felt good Sun am having a great sleep for a change. Sunday we did some shopping, and then my mom took her, along with my niece and nephew, to my mom's friend's house where they were having a Sukkot party. Jewish sort of thing for celebrating harvest and stuff. Anyway, while they were there, I was told that Leah got into a fight with 2 boys. Yep, my little Leah, petite, shy (HA) picked a fight with 6 year old and 11 year old boys. I actually have to give her cred for it. She was playing with a ball and they took it away from her. She asked for it back, they didn't listen, so she kicked and scratched them. Oh yes, she growled at them as well. When they got back, my mom told me about it. I asked Leah why she was punching, hitting, kicking, biting, and scratching at the boys. She told me that the boys took her ball. She siad 'Mommy, I didn't bite or hit them'. Hard to get really mad at that. I did explain that it wasn't appropriate behaviour, blah, blah. She knew that already, she says. They just made her mad.
Anyway, Heather came back from her trip, she had fun and brought home lots of rocks (don't ask, I have no idea why she brought rocks home).
By Sunday night after dinner with the family (same old, but my sister was slightly better this week), they girls were back to their usual fighting/loving ways.
They are both good kids. I have to keep reminding myself that with me as their Motehr and Scott as their father, they are bound to be messed up more than a little bit. Ah, the joys of seeing resessive jeans passed on...

This Post Has No Title

2007-09-23T18:30:00.000-04:00

We live in what is considered to be a very desirable area of Toronto. The houses sell for well over 1/2 million. We're pretty much mid-town, one but to the subway. Almost all of the parents' are professionals earning more than the average Canadian. The thing is, the houses are older and most are semi-detached with smaller yards. Our yard, for example, has no grass. We have a cement pad at the back, partially fenced, a nice garden, and a big trampoline.
The girls and I live next door to my sister and her family. They are in one side of the semi, the girls and I in the other. Some people would say 'wow, that must be great' being so close to my only sister. In some ways it is nice. We have dinner every Sunday and all we have to do is walk next door. When I was in my deepest, darkest time before I joined AA I called my sister and she was literally there for me in seconds.
The problem is, on a day-to-day basis, I never really see her. My sister, R, is a very private person. Her kids are 'different', especially my neice, A, who is now 16. She's the only 16 year old I know who will ONLY take her written drivers test if it's in Latin. Last week she decided that she was going to graduate a year early from high school and now she's applying to MIT and Yale. Really, that's her.
I find it very difficult going there, not really talking about anything for fear of one of them getting upset that I'm prying into their lives. R is usually doing one of a few things: work, on her cell, emailing on her blackberry, or taking her son to hockey.
Sometimes I find out from the neighbours what is going on in her life. It's weird, but I accept it. It used to really upset me, not being a 'part of' her life and the lives of my only neice and nephew. It still does upset me a bit, but now I can just leave her house and her ways behind me. I realize that is itsn't 'me' she does that to, it's her way and the way of her kids.
R told me a few weeks ago that she and her husband are separating. It's her second marriage, but now she has a great relationship with her first husband (the father of my neice and nephew). The first husband turned out to be gay, so that might have something to do with their marriage not working out. Anyway, R told me about the separation, mainly because she is using the lawyer that I work for and I would find out from work. I really don't know anything else about it. Don't know why, don't know what's happening with her kids going to private schools, and the expensive cars she drives, or the house they are living in. Small problem...she and her business partner own the house that the girls and I are living in. If they move, we will have to move. On top of that, the business partner's daughter was living here and she recently moved.
Now I'm not terribly fond of Toronto, so I don't mind too much if we do have to move away. The problem lies in the life we have built here. The girls go to school litererally around the corner. I work nearby, and my AA meetings are close and convenient. If we move, it will be away from the core of the city. There are too many scummy areas, and horrible neighbourhoods.
I mentioned to my mother that when we move we'll move from the city. She doesn't understand that because to her Toronto is the centre of the universe. She never understood why we moved to BC and why I loved it so much. Any area of Toronto that we could afford rent would be a horrible area. The area we are in is way too expensive. Reality is, we are only here because my sister had this house ready to rent when the girls and I moved from BC. I'm not upset about it, actually not really thinking too much about it. It will be what it will be. I'm not going to stress about it, and we will find a place to live when we need to, and it will be a new home for us.
I guess I needed to vent about things. It bothers me that my sister is the way she is. It bothers me that I don't own my house. It bothers me that I cannot ask my only sister questions about herself and the life of her kids. I accept that, it's one of the things I have learnt since becoming sober. I don't have to agree or even respect other people and their lives, but if I ACCEPT those things, I am a happier person. And really, isn't that what it's all about? Accepting. I think if more people accepted the world would be a happier place. I know I am.

Having Fun!

2007-09-09T22:20:00.000-04:00

Lots of stuff going on here....

These are some pictures of things we have been doing. The day after Mandi got here, Aug 31, we went to the Ex (CNE, Canadian National Expabition). We got the girls all-day play passes and they went on tons of rides. They had such a great time and I was content and peaceful watching them have fun.

Heather, Mandi, Heather's friend Emily, and Emily's dad went to Niagara Falls for day. They had a fabulous time. I'm glad Mandi got to see it. It really is a shame to come all the way across the country and not see the Falls.

Also this past week was the first day of school. I took a picture of Heather with 2 of her close friends, Samantha and Mia. They are in the same class this year. It was Leah's first day of real school. You can see from her face how happy and excited she is. Does a mother good to see her children so happy.

We've been enjoying our stay with Mandi a lot. The girls were so happy to see her. Luckily for Mandi, they spent this past weekend with Scott so we can both have a bit of piece and quiet.

Girls come home tomorrow am, then it's back to school again for them.

Lots more to come.......

2007-09-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

There has been so much going on here, I haven't had time to post.
Mandi, our good friend from BC is visiting us for two weeks. We've had a great time so far, and there's still lots more to come.
Heather started Grade 3 today, had a great first day.
Leah's first day of SK (senior kindergarten) is tomorrow.
I have been taking pictures, but haven't downloaded them onto the computer yet.
When I have a few more mintues (yah, right, like that actually happens) I will post more and post pictures.

'Stuff'

2007-08-25T23:39:00.000-04:00

I often wonder if 'normal' people think the same things that I think. I've talked a bit about perception and how mine is warped. I had an example of how my thinking is changing a few days ago. My next door neighbour, Eric, is in the program. I'm great friends with his wife and his son and Heather were in the same class for two years. We live in semi-detached houses. My sister is the other half of my house. Eric's next door neighbour (their houses attached), I'll call her S, is sort of a bitch. I was friends with her when we first moved to Tornoto almost 3 years ago. To make a long story short, we are no longer friends. Eric and his wife Barb can't really stand her. It makes it difficult, being close neigbours. Anyway, Eric and I were talking about S and how she has changed for the worse over the past couple of years. She has had the same man for almost 2 years. She's divorced, 2 kids. Eric was saying that no matter what, he cannot be friends or even pleasant to her. I disagree. In my view, if S were to come to me and talk to me sincerely about things, I would have to forgive her and accept her. If I don't, I'm not working my program. I said as much to Eric, and he actually agreed with me (for the most part). For now, I will stay away from S, but be cordial when I see her and say 'hello'. If I can't do that, then I cannot even begin to live in today and deal with yesterday.
It's difficult to be near a person with whom you once shared a history with and now do not wish to. I have some old friends who I just don't keep in touch with because of stuff. Everyone has 'stuff', I think it's what you learn from your 'stuff' that makes the person who they are. Sometimes it's hard to let go of things, but I'm realizing that often ife is better in the end, after the 'letting go' stuff.
When other words fail, 'stuff' is a good one.

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow...

2007-08-20T22:39:00.000-04:00

YESTERDAY TODAY AND TOMORROW…

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day – Today – Any one can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities – Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad – it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time.

The preceeding is a poem that is read in almost every AA meeting in Toronto. When I first came into the 'program' I couldn't hear it without crying. I still have my days, but for the most part, it grounds me and reminds me what is important for today only.
I use the concept of this with my kids, especially Heather. I think she gets 'it', which for me is a huge thing.
It reminds me that the things that I have done, in addition to the things that other's have done, are not worth dwelling on. If I can forgive myself (not everything, mind you), I should be able to forgive others. It also reminds me that I don't have any control over people, places, or things. That was a tough concept for me to get, but once I did, wow, what a difference it made.

I wish you all a happy Today!

I am not missed

2007-08-16T22:25:00.000-04:00

I mentioned in a previous post that the girls are in Grand Bend with their Grandma and Papa this week. They have been gone since Sat, and it's now Thurs. They come home this Sat night.
I miss them, but I'm also getting stuff done around the house (somewhat, I am spending too much time on the computer). I'm supposed to start work at 9, the past few days I've been at my desk working by 8. I can't even drop the girls off at daycare until 7:45.
I've been talking/emailing them every day. I haven't really talked to Leah, she's much too busy for that. I called tonight and spoke with Heather for a bit. She met a friend there last year from Ireland, and the girl is there again. They are having a sleepover tonight. I talked to Heather for a few minutes, then she let me talk to Victoria, her friend, for a bit. I asked to speak with Leah, but I could hear her in the background saying 'hi Mommy, I love you but I can't right now because I'm busy'. Cute. It's very comforting to know that they are both having a great time, but is it too much to ask them to miss me just a little bit? I guess so.
Once again, I see how blessed I am. The girls are having a great time, are being well taken care of and are spending time with family they don't see too often. Good for them, I say.

Freedom from Kids

2007-08-14T21:18:00.000-04:00

The girls are in Grand Bend now with their Grandma and Papa (Scott's parent's). Scott was supposed to pick them up Fri night, but he was working out of town and didn't get much sleep so he asked to pick them up Sat am. He came over Sat am, the girls were ready to go and I wanted him to drop me off at my AA meeting because of the time factor.
We had to tell the girls about Floyd. We all went in the house and sat on the couch. It was hard, Heather started to cry right away, and I was crying as well. Leah wasn't really sure what it meant, but she knew that we were upset so she got upset as well. We tried to tell Leah that Floyd wasn't coming back, and she said she did understand, but I'm sure it will take a few times at Scott's seeing Zoey without Floyd until it sinks in that Floyd is dead. It was hard, but I'm thankful that we did it together. It is one of the very few times that we have agreed to do something and did not fight about it.
Heather is totally into her Webkinz, and a few weeks ago I got the black lab one for that occasion. After we told the girls, Heather ran up to the bathroom and locked the door. I got the Webkinz and knocked on the door. I told her how much I loved her, how much Floyd meant to our family and how much we were going to miss him. Then I gave her the lab Webkinz. I told her that I was going to name it Floyd and she was happy about that. I had Floyd set up in Webkinz World with his own room by the time they were in Grand Bend.
I have talked to them pretty much every night. They are having a great time. Grand Bend is on Lake Huron, it's beautiful there. They are swimming at the beach every day. Leah is putting her whole head in the water, and Heather is also doing well with her swimming.
I miss them, but it's only been a couple of days and they don't come home until Sat at some time. Heather has a birthday party the Sunday, so I got her the black lab as well, as per Heather's instructions.
Before the girls left, I was thinking about all of the things I was going to get done while they were away. I was going to go to an AA meeting every night, meet up with friend's and go for walks at night. Well, I did go to a meeting Sunday night, and I am meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow night. As far as the walks go, my foot is still very sore. I called the dr today, but results were not in as of this afternoon. I'm almost scared to find out what it is because it's not broken.
I have spent more time on the computer reading other blogs. I find it very interesting that I can just go from one blog to another by clicking on links. It's going into personal territory, something I still have trouble with. Even at work, I'm told to look in someone's office for files and if I can't see it right there, I can't really look. Weird for me because I am such a 'snooper'. Guess I'm changing in that dept as well.

Updates...

2007-08-09T22:15:00.000-04:00

A lot has gone on the past little bit. I updated about my foot, and will do so when something else comes along.
Anyway, Scott called me today. He had to put Floyd down this past Tues. He said that Floyd was not doing well and he was in a lot of pain. Scott was with him the entire time, even when the vet put him (Floyd, not Scott) to sleep. He said it was 'rough', which for Scott means that it was one of the most brutal things he's ever had to do. I've only seen Scott cry once or twice in all of the years I've known him, and it sounded like he was crying when he told me. He said Zoey, our wolf-dog, knows there is something wrong and doesn't know what to do with herself. Surprizingly, we are going to tell the girls together when he picks them up tomorrow night.
That brings me to another thing. He is going to take them to Grand Bend to visit his parents for a week. Scott won't stay there, but he will be there for the weekend, then the following weekend to pick the girls up. I debated a lot over letting them go. I have no problem with his parents, in fact, they are super nice. His step-mother is amazing, I really like her. When we went to court when Scott scooped the girls and was going for custody, his father didn't even really look at me but his step-mom said hello and gave me a hug. Scott was supposed to get some legal stuff done, but on his side, he did go to the courthouse and try to get it done. He did not recieve proper direction, so it couldn't be done. I have, once again, put the girls first and thought what was best for them. For them to miss a week of daycare to spend time with their family in the woods and a beach, that it best for them. Pat on the back for me. Sometimes the angel halo is nice (hahaha).

I WISH I had a fracture!

2007-08-09T22:07:00.000-04:00

Well, the pain in my foot is still there. Had the x-ray this past Tues, and saw a sports med doctor today. I don't have a fracture, but there is sign of a bunion. The doctor today had some ideas...it's probably not an injury caused by trauma (meaning it doesn't appear that I fell or something). It's possibly gout, or some other rheumatic disorder. I didn't even really think of that. There is a history of arthritis in the family and I've been borderline Lupus for years. He mentioned a couple of other possibilities, but I can't even pronounce them, never mind spell them or remember them.
I had lots of tubes of blood taken and the Dr will call when the results are in. I'll update when I know more.
It would be much simpler if I just had a fracture somewhere. The process is much simpler, cast, crutches or cane, a few weeks of pain then it's over. With me, nothing is ever that simple!

Feet and Weekend...

2007-08-06T22:44:00.001-04:00

About four years ago, I tripped while I was carring a then-9 month old Leah. I thought I pulled a muscle, went to the doctor. He said 'you pulled a muscle, stay off of your feet for a few days'. I didn't, I had 2 little kids. Fast forward about 3 months...the pain in my hip didn't go away. I thought if I kept waling on it, it would get better. Insead, it got a lot worse. Still didn't go check it out, because he already told me to keep off of it. Finally, I did go. See my leg kept locking, meaning that after a few steps my leg would just stop, with lots of pain, and wouldn't move. Weird, but true. To make a long story short, I had fractured my femur, the bone that keeps your leg attached to your hip. It was a horizontal fracture that was about to snap, meaning hip replacement. I did have surgery, have 3 pins in my hip now, and was in a wheelchair for more than 3 months to let my hip heal.
You'd think I'd learn. Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. My left foot started to hurt. I limped, started to limp a lot. It's swollen and I can't really move my toes or my foot without it being very painful. I know why it took so long, my family dr is away for another couple of weeks and I know there is always a long wait in the clinic. I simply did not have time for a possible fracture. By last Fri it was way worse. Finally, I got a friend to pick the girls up Fri and I went to a walk in medical clinic. Three hours later, I hobbled out of there. The doctor wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with it, but I do have to have an x-ray tomorrow because it may have a hairline fracture. He said to stay off of it. My uncle owns a surgical store, so Sat I went down there to get 'supplies'. I now have a cane, crutches, tensor's, you know, the usual things that people do Sat of a long weekend.
Regardless of that, the girls and I did have a good weekend. Heather went for a playdate Sat. Leah was kind of grounded for not listening, so aside from our outing to get my supplies, we were home. Yesterday we went to my uncle's house to swim and for dinner. Today I took them to a splash park. We had fun! I am trying to stay off of my ankle as much as I can, at least I am using a cane at all times.
I go for the x-ray tomorrow, I'll write more when I have a clue as to what is wrong.
Nobody ever said that my life is boring and without just a little bit of drama!

It's a Full Moon....

2007-07-30T06:46:00.000-04:00

Need I say more?????

Things I'm Grateful For...

2007-07-27T21:54:00.000-04:00

Throughout a lot of my teenage and adult life I was depressed a lot. I didn't realize it at the time, but looking back I was a depressing, negative, boring person. I don't mean that to be a downer, but lets face it, I was a downer. I went through a lot of stuff, had an abusive marriage, lived in a place 3000 miles away from my family and long-time friends. I hit a bottom that even in AA is a 'good one'.
Since being in AA and recovery, I'm learning how to change my way of thinking. A lot of the disease of alcoholism is perception. For example, you may say to me with a smile on your face 'hello, Eileen, how are you today?' I may hear 'F you, Eileen, you're a bitch.' That's pretty much it in a netshell.
Anyway, often when Heather or Leah start to be negative about stuff I start them on a 'gratitude list'. They get upset because we can't do some things other families do, like travel and go to 'fun' places. I am not driving right now. They see their father 4 days a month. Other stuff as well that is typical of 4 1/2 and 8 year old girls. Heather is more dramatic than Leah is, so I have the conversation with her more often. We start with 'we can breathe'. We can talk, walk, write, read, we have a great house to live in (yes it's a rental, but it's still our rental), they have two parents that love them, we have family close by, we have lots of friends, etc. Then sometimes we get into silly stuff, like we have a great gelatto place close by, there aren't any boys in our house, we don't watch sports on our tv, we can watch 'Barbie and the magic of Pegasus' 100 times and still like it. You know, normal stuff that other families do.
I'm truly blessed that by the time the conversation is over we are all laughing and having fun.
I'm not 'preaching' about AA by any means, it's just that without it I wouldn't be the person I am today and beable to laugh and have fun with my daughters.
I AM blessed....I'm going to make sure I read this next time I feel even a little bit of 'poor me'.
Before you go to bed tonight, make a mental gratitude list and see how much better your dreams are! Trust me, it does work!!
Happy Weekend.

Moving on....

2007-07-25T06:58:00.000-04:00

Leah is starting at her new daycare this Monday. She has been at Mothercraft for the past 2+ years, with the exception of the time she spent with Scott after he 'scooped' them. The daycare at Heather's school has one of the biggest wait-lists ever. We have been on the list for 2 1/2 years, ever since we moved here. The school, Maurice Cody, is around the corner from us, it's so close. Heather got into the daycare last March on a 'contract' spot. That means a kid left during the year and they had a spot for a couple of months but not for Sept. Anyway, one day I got a call that Leah got in. Siblings have priority, so Heather got in as well. Leah is starting this Monday, then she has a month to get adjusted before school starts.
Mothercraft has been amazing for Leah. She has learned so much and the teachers are amazing. There is one male teacher, Rick. I think I've written about him before. He decided to take this week as a vacation week, so our goodbye with him was last Friday. Leah and I got him a card, she drew a nice picture and I wrote some stuff in it. Without question, Rick has been THE most positive influence on Leah, including her father. Rick is amazing. He genuinely cares for the kids, he's funny, and he's great (Michelle, he has a girlfriend that he's had for years...just because I mention a man doesn't mean that I'm interested in him :)).
Our goodbye was so hard. I started to cry when I saw him. He read the card that Leah gave him and he started to cry. I told him how I felt and how much I'm going to miss him in Leah's life. He told me how he felt, which was so nice...he said I'm pretty much the strongest women he has ever met, how he admires the stuff I have gone through and how I have come out of it. By the end we were both bawling. I think a large part of me was also remembering when I left BC and knew that there were some people I was not ready to leave, people I still needed in my life.
It is hard when positive things happen to say goodbye to other things. People and places that have had such a major impact in my, or my kids, life... It is a hard thing to do, but I realize that one more phase of Leah's life is starting next week. We have the rest of the 'goodbyes' this Friday. I'll let you know how they go...

2007-07-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

When I was a little girl, my sister and I had some professional photos taken at a park called Edward's Gardens. When my sister's kids were around the same age as we were at the time, she took them to the same tree and fountain and had pictures of them taken. Now, my girls are the same age, so this past week we took them and a professional photographer to Edward's Gardens for their pictures at the same tree and fountain. One problem: it's now a different fountain and there wasn't any water in it. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. The tree, by the way, is massive now. And, these are my photos. I just hope the photographer doesn't 'missplace' them (dig, dig, Michelle)!

I am SUCH a nice Mommy!

2007-07-17T23:38:00.000-04:00

Scott was telling me that it's his best friend's daughter's 6th birthday party this weekend and that the girls were invited. Normally, I would tell him that it's my weekend and tough crap for him. I didn't. I told him he could take the girls for the majority of the day, eventhough it's my Sat. Why??? Certainly wasn't for him, that much I'm sure about. I did it for Heather and Leah. I know that they need their father in their lives, and Cassidy is their friend.
I've really been trying to think of what is best for my daughter's first and to try to put my feelings aside. It's hard, because their father is such an idiot. I'm not just saying that, he really is. This post is not about how I feel about him, it's about my personal development and doing what is right for the girls. Putting them first is one of the most important things I can do for myself and for them. Don't get me wrong, they are not spoiled little brats. I discipline them, get mad at them, and generally do what most parent's do. The difference I'm trying to make is to put their needs infront of my own. We really didn't have too much planned this weekend.
I go to an AA women's meeting almost every Sat. The Sat the I have the girls, my mother comes to watch them. This Sat we were invited to an AA picnic/bbq on Centre Island (an Island in Toronto). I just found out about it tonight. Sounds like lots of fun. I may just go without them and enjoy myself there.
Bottom line....I'm nowhere near perfect, and never will be, but I do want the girls to grow up knowing that I didn't do everything to limit their time with their father. I may not like him as a person, but he is their father. I have to deal with that and know that one day they will thank me for it.
The End!

Roger Waters...

2007-07-15T00:19:00.000-04:00

I went to see Roger Waters tonight at the Roger's Centre. It was AMAZING!! I've been a Floyd fan for years. I have seen Pink Floyd 4 times, I have at least 10 CD's, The Wall was the first movie I ever bought (and I still have it), and I named a dog Floyd. I think that qualifies me.
My neighbour, Eric, this morning was playing basketball with his son, told me that a radio station was having a Floyd weekend, and that Roger Waters was playing tonight. I said, 'Wow, I want to go'. Anyway, after checking with his wife (we are great friends), Eric and I decided that we would go and get tickets from scalpers. I've never done that before, but lots of people do so it can't be too bad. We got to the stadium, had a limit for us of $100 each. Went to a few scalpers, ended up 'bargoning' for tickets that were not half bad. We get to the gate and are told that there is a problem with the tickets, we have to go to another gate. To make a long story short, the tickets were not good (someone had cancelled them). We sold them to another scalper for $80, then went back to the ticket place and bought real tickets for $50. The seats were way high up and Roger Waters was hard to see, but really, with the screens it didn't matter. They were actually good seats. We were high up, but centre. Soon we forgot about the scalper thing, we agreed that the important thing was that we were seeing the concert and it was great. Afterward, we talked to a couple of scalpers and told them what happened. We don't know if the guy who sold us the tickets even knew they were not good. Chances are someone knew, traded them plus money for better seats and walked away. The scalpers are a 'business' where all of them know each other. Doesn't matter. We loved the show, Roger Waters was great. The music was out of this world. It's been years since I saw a concert and this was a great concert to see. Certainly made a difference seeing it sober. It also helped that Eric is in AA as well. The people beside us smoked a few joints and were downing beer. I think we probably got a bit stoned from all of the smoke. It was kind of funny-sitting so far up and smoke rises...
From not having too many plans this weekend while the girls are with Scott, this has turned into one of the best weekends!
There are few things in this life that make me truly, honestly, genuinely happy...this was one of those things...

BC Friends

2007-07-12T21:49:00.000-04:00

I've talked a bit about my life in BC. Scott (the ex) and I moved to BC about 10 years ago. At the time, I was 30, had a great job at a family business, all of my family being in Toronto, where I had spent my entire life. My father died when I was a teenager, and my mother's idea of 'roughing it' is a 3-star hotel. I never spent a lot of time in the wilderness. I found out that I really loved it.
Anyway, we moved to BC, both got jobs, and settled in a smaller community called Maple Ridge. It was 'country', especially for someone who grew up in a big city like Toronto. We bought a house. We got 2 dogs, then had 2 kids. We camped, hiked, and generally spent a lot of time outdoors. I also made a lot of great friends.
In life, one is always meeting new people. That's what life is all about. Sometimes you meet people you just 'click' with and they come to mean a lot to you. I have some friends from my life in BC that are like that. My old neighbours were like that. A mom, a (deadbeat) dad (who is no longer in the picture), and 5 kids. One of the daughters and I became very close. We were like siblings, friends, mother/daughter...family. Her name is Mandi. Another close friend is Cindy. Cindy and I clicked like few other people and I have. We became so close, we still talk at least once a week, and we also keep a 'messenger' window open all the time. Because of the time difference we don't get on the computer at the same time as often as we'd like to, but we 'communicate' several times a day. One other close friend is Michelle. Michelle and I met by chance, I was interested in my own business and it turned out that Michelle was into the same thing. Our kids were roughly the same age and they became friends as well. We had lots of talks about stuff and got to know each other very well.
Once Scott and I separated and I decided to move back to Toronto with the girls, I had 3 weeks to put my BC life in order. One of the hardest things I've EVER had to do was to say goodbye to my BC friends. Some I couldn't, it was too hard and the tears wouldn't stop long enough for words. Leaving Toronto was never hard, because I always knew that I'd be back for visits. Leaving BC was much harder. The girls and left Oct/04 with promises of visits, cards, phone calls, and emails. For the most part, I have kept in touch with those I wanted to keep in touch with. The promises of visits have not happened, but it's more expensive to fly Toronto/Vancouver than it is to go to England. It's hard to believe that it's been 2 1/2 years without seeing these people.
I got an email from Mandi, who is now in her early 20's. She has been talking about visiting here for a long time. She was booked to come here, but it was Jetsco and she lost the money and the visit. Anyway, she now wants to visit end of the summer/early fall. Leah turns 5 Sept 13, and Mandi wants to be here for that. Mandi was exceptionally close to my girls, especially Heather. Mandi was one of the first visiters at the hospital with both girls. She was there almost every day until we moved. I can't believe she's finally going to visit!
I am so thankful for those friends and more I have not mentioned. I feel that it's such a special gift to have friends like that, and to be so far away and still keep in touch is a wonderful feeling. These people have also been there to support me in my difficulties the past couple of years. How could I get through things without Cindy and the emotional support of the other friends I have mentioned?
One great thing is seeing how their lives have changed and improved. I am so happy some of things...Michelle meeting the man of her dreams and finally getting married to him. I'm sad that I wasn't there in person to see it, but I am so thrilled for her. Cindy's husband found the birth family he never knew about and now has a relationship with a family he didn't know. Mandi has a great new job, her mother is finally happy after living years with an abusive ass of a husband.
Most of all, I'm thankful for these friends who still want to keep in touch with me. It's one thing for me to miss people who were in my life on an almost-weekly basis, but it's another thing for those same people to miss me as well. With communication the way it is now, we may not be able to see each other in person as much as we'd like to, but we can email. Thanks to Michelle I have this blog. I know few read it, but at least some friends so.
That's it for now. I'm feeling good about these friends!!!

I'm getting old(er)

2007-07-09T21:50:00.000-04:00

I'm over 40 now, actually I'm 41 1/2. Yes, it's scary. I always thought 'by the time I'm 30 I'll be..?' Didn't really make that one. But wait, there was hope...'by the time I'm 40 I'll...??'. Well, that didn't really happen either. Single at 30, single at 40, with 2 kids and lots of stuff inbetween.
I'm noticing my age more these days. After talking to other women, I"m not alone in this.
I noticed a couple of months ago that I wasn't seeing as cleary as I normally do. I've worn glasses for years, can barely see without them. It's getting worse. I tried to thread a needle last week and couldn't. Ouch.
A few years ago I had a wicked bunion and had it 'removed'. That's a nice way to say that I had my bone shaved, my toes broken, and a pin stuck into my foot. No prob. The surgery was very painful, but after while (well, many months), it was a lot better. Didn't think of it again.
About 4 years ago I fell while carrying a then-baby Leah. To make a very long story short, I fractured my hip, a horizontal fracture in the femur...I was told I needed surgery that day and if I put pressure on my leg the bone would snap and that would mean hip replacement. I had the surgery, spent a few months in a wheelchair, did many months of rehab, then didn't really think about it. I have 3 long pins in my hip, around 6 inches or so. Anyway, over this past winter I realized that I was in a lot of pain a lot of time. My foot (right) where I had the bunion was killing me, thought I had broken it. Went for x-rays and turns out I have arthritis in it. Talked to the dr last week, he's going to get me into a specialist sometime in 2008. Okay, so now my hip (left) is really sore. In the winter I can feel the pins in there. Stairs are still a bitch, and this is 4 years later. Asked the dr about that and he examined me. I'm going for an xray of my hip, but he said it's likely one of two things...the pins have moved or I have bursitis. I'm not sure which one is better. My foot, he said, if it gets worse, can be fused together so the pain isn't there when I move my foot or toes.
I'm kind of laughing about this. I know it's far from funny. I've often heard of women going to ??? once they hit 40, but I thought it was just words. With me and a lot of women I've talked to it's not...It's REALLY happening.
I'm going for blood tests and xrays, so hopefully I will find out soon what is wrong. I've come to a conclusion about that, finding out what is 'wrong'. It doesn't really matter what the label is, but the label does sort of make me feel better. I can't walk because my right foot and left hip hurt...'oh, that's okay, it's arthritis and bursitis'. There, I feel better already, don't you?!?

Floyd

2007-06-13T22:51:00.000-04:00

When I moved to BC 10 years ago (wow, time flies!!), my then-husband and I bought a house and because he really wanted a dog, we got one. I was never really a pet person, but I was willing to try it. Fast forward...we ended up getting a black lab and I named him Floyd (after Pink, of course...I've seen them 4 times live). A few months later we were driving to the mountains and saw a sign that advertised wolf/malamute/sheppard pups. Along came Zoey, the most timid and strange wolf-dog ever.
We had the dogs before we had kids. When we had kids, before they were brought into the house, they were put on the ground in their car seats for the dogs to smell them. I loved those dogs, and it hurt like hell when the girls and I left BC without them. Didn't miss the ex. Anyway, the ex moved here (Toronto) and brought the dogs with him. I don't see them much because he is doing the driving across the city for pick up and drop off of the girls.
Floyd is now 10 and he's getting old. I haven't seen him in a few months, but the girls and Scott tell me that he's still the same goofy, wild, Floyd, but he's sick and has been for a while. Scott has made the decision to put him down. I don't disagree with that. In fact, without getting into a whole thing, I think we treat sick animals much more humanely than humans. Scott has been talking about it for the past month or so, and Heather knows about it as well. She drew a picture for Floyd, saying 'we'll miss you'. He told me tonight that he's going to bring the dogs here next week for me to say goodbye to Floyd. I'm so mixed about it. I know it's the right thing to do, he is an active, bonzai dog, but he's old and sick. I'm so thankful that I told Scott that I would like to say goodbye and so far he is going through with bringing him here. If I could have the dogs here I would, but my house just is not equipped for that, especially big dogs.
This is the first time in my adult life that I have loved a pet that is going to die. I'm sad, but still thankful that Floyd (and Zoey) gave me the kind of unconditional love that I never knew existed. I am looking forward to seeing the dogs again, but knowing that it will be the last time I see Floyd is going to be hard for me.
I will update later.

2007-06-10T09:49:00.000-04:00

After working at my lawyer's office for about a year now, as a 'casual', as of Friday I am officially an 'employee'. Fabulous news for me and the girls!
Since I was sick last year, I have been on Social Assistance. It's very hard being 41 on assistance. They have been very nice to me, but really, living in Toronto, there is no way to survive just on that. I recieve $450 from Scott in child support. They deduct that. I get money from Child Tax Benefits. They deduct that. I work, they deduct 1/2 of what I earn. The 'shelter' money is less than $600/month. How, in Toronto, mom and 2 children, do you find a place to live for that? Impossible! Anyway, the good news is that I will be on payroll and get off of Social Assistance. I will have medical/dental benefits (although not 100%, you cannot have everything), and job security.

On to other stuff.........
The associate (Malorie) who is helping me with my order/agreement spoke to me Friday. The draft that I have done is good, Scott wants some changes that we will incorporate. Malorie told me that she will not work on it until she has some assurance that Scott will be able to execute it once it's done. Because he hasn't paid his lawyer, he cannot get ILA (indipendent legal advise) from her. Malorie is looking out for me and doesn't want me to spend the money until she knows. I spoke to Scott and told him all of that and told him that summer plans would have to wait. I am biting the bullet and paying for this, he is getting things that he wants without signing, I'm putting an end to it. I did tell him that I was footing the bill for the girls because that is what's best for them.

Why is it that ex's have to be so difficult? I have spoken to other people, and also working in the family law field, I see it. Not to say that I have not contributed to this, but I'm trying to put that past me and moving forward. I have a lot of empathy for those whose ex's still 'annoy, harass, belittle' and generally are a pain in the ass. The 'annoy' etc. is in several separation agreements that I have read. How do you go about enforceing that????

I'm discovering a big blog world out there

2007-06-02T07:47:00.001-04:00

Over the past few days, I have been actually following links from the blogs I normally read to other blogs.
I have found links to several people in AA recovery that blog. Amazing what this world is! I'm going to check them out, see what they are like. I had a bit of a hard day last evening when Scott picked the girls up for the weekend. I am drafting the agreement/order and had asked him to look it over to see if we are on the same page in terms of stuff to agree on. He is such an ass, that's for another post later. Anyway, point is, I was trying to think of all the AA program stuff to help me deal with it because I was very upset and angry. I got onto the computer and started to look at some blogs, then followed links. What a cool blog world. Soon, I was calm and actively reading some of them. Once again, thanks to AA program and people.
I won't go on about that, just that it's a wonderful way to live!

2007-05-31T06:23:00.000-04:00

I try to be a positive person. When I was younger I was sick a lot, complained a lot about different things, and accordingly found myself getting short of friends. Who wants to be around negative people and negative energy? I've learned a lot the past couple of years, one of the most important things is to stay positive as much as possible. See the good in people. Make a gratitude list...sometimes as simple as 'I can breathe' is enough to snap me out of negativety.
I had a chat with Heather about that last week. She was bummed out because she's never been to Niagara Falls, Disneyland (or world), or left Canada. By the end of the conversation she was feeling much more positive because I reminded her about the things that she DOES have and has done. Very few 8 year old/grade 2's she knows have climbed mountains, had a huge petting zoo and pony rides in their backyard, caught a 20+ lb salmon, lived in another province, double-pearced ears, and a mother who (temporarily) died her hair brown, then bright pink. She wasn't feeling as sorry for herself after that conversation. Makes me feel a lot better that I can handle these situations in a positive way.
The last couple of weeks have been a challenge for me. I'm happy at work, but I don't have a 'real' job there. I'm 'casual', meaning that I'm not on regular payroll. No job security. I am trying to rectify that situation. My job was to be very temporary casual, but it's turned into more. The day to day challenges with the girls and having to do everything myself is sometimes overwhelming for me. How can I make the exact same thing for dinner that they loved one day and hate the next day?
One of my major 'challenges' these days is Scott, my ex. Problem is, he isn't truly my ex yet. I want that *** piece of paper that makes it legal that we are no longer married. I shared a few posts ago about how a couple of amazing women at work made the piece of papaer for me. Not legal, but very sweet of them. We had been getting along okay, but we've been trying to work out a more formal and legal Agreement to move on with stuff. To make a very long story shorter, he hasn't paid his legal bills, his lawyer won't do anymore work for him, and he flatly refuses to pay a dime towards an Agreement. I'm very tempted to leave things as they are in the Court Order from over a year ago. He has access alternate weekends from Fri to Sun. Period. That's it. We were working on and incorporating things that we both wanted in this Agreement. He has an extra night. Instead of bringing them home Sun night, he brings them home Mon am. I 'gave' him 2 weeks in the summer. I 'gave' him a flexible night during the week to take them for dinner...he has NEVER exercised that, by the way. What do I want? The current Order states that I must attend AA daily, must go for urine drug testing 3x a week, and some other stuff. As things are now, I don't want to have to go to AA daily or drug testing that often. I am blessed to have 5 AA meetings in 2 buildings that are directly in my 'bubble' of life. I will talk about my 'bubble' another time. Anyway, it's so frustrating for me. He is in agreeement of the the conditions and terms of the Agreement, but won't even contribute to the cost of it. I'm torn right now between telling him he does have alternate weekends and thinking of the girls and letting the girls have more time with him (not him having more time with them). Same thing but different ways of thinking of it. One is for the girls, other is for him. I think of what's right for them.
Time will tell what route I go. Perhaps for this weekends visit they will come home Sun night, and I'll take more time to think about the summer visit.

Crazy, Stupid, ? I'm glad I'm not 8!

2007-05-26T08:52:00.000-04:00

As part of Heather's 8th birthday, I had promised that she could invite 3 friends to sleepover. She's had sleepovers before, no biggie. She wanted more. Being a girl, I knew if she invited 2 friends, it would be 3 kids...bad idea to have odd number of kids, so I told her she could invite 3. Plus Leah, but that's because Leah was to have her own 'sleepover' in my room.
The sleepover turned into seeing 'Shrek 3' after school yesterday. Okay, fine. The parents of the 3 gladly paid for their kids. It turned out to be one of the mom's and her other daughter who is more Leah's age, so there were 6 kids plus 2 moms. It was actually not as bad as I thought. The 8 of us bussed it there, watched the movie, and only spent $20 on popcorn and candy (I brought water for all). The movie was good. I love Shrek. The girls liked it as well. After the movie, we took the bus home, stopped off at the corner pizza place, ordered and came home. Fastest pizza delivery in history. Anyway, fast forward....the other mom took her younger daught and went home. Leah was in the tv room and then climbed into her tent that was set up in my room.
The 4 girls took both Heather's and Leah's mattresses off the bed and set them up on the floor. There was major talk about who would sleep where. At 10, I asked them to stop playing and told them I was turning the light off. More talk about who was sleeping where. I asked each one if I could hug them and kiss them good night, they said 'yes' so I did. To make a long story short, 2 wanted to go home (neither did, although one called her parent's twice). It was 12 by the time they were all sleeping. Actually, I don't even know if they were all sleeping because I went to bed. It was late for me, I'd had a long day.
This morning all is okay, they all survived. We're just getting ready to go to the school fair now.
Have a good Saturday!!

Goodbye Tamagotchi...Hello Webkinz!

2007-05-16T06:19:00.000-04:00

Webkinz are the newest craze for kids in Heather's school. I didn't know what they were at first...WHAT?!? you want to spend $15 on a STUFFIE?!? When Leah got her tonsils out a couple of months ago, Heather went with a friend and her family to see Robert Munsch at Chapters. The store had Webkinz and Heather called me, begging me to allow the purchase of one. I did so, but wasn't happy about it. Skip forward a couple of months... Heather had her birthday party this past Saturday. She recieved 3 Webkinz, in addition to the 2 I had already bought her. Who goes on Webkinz every night once the girls are in bed? ME. That's right, I went on to check it out before Heather did, and also so I could help her if she needed it. Well, she teaches me stuff (although I have won 2 Cash Cow trophies!). This virtual world is amazing. It IS fun. She started off with one room, now she had about 10, and 2 outdoor yards. Eachof her 5 friends has their own room, plus a couple of playrooms, bathroom, kitchen, diningroom, etc. I only wish I had a house half as large as these virtual pets have.
Heather has a birthday party tonight. The girl, Shannon, has the same birthday as Heather and they have been friends for 2 years now. A couple of weeks ago I got Heather the unicorn to give to her at her birthday, well, that's the one that Shannon got for Heather. I talked to Shannon's mom and we agreed that since they have the same birthday, they could recieve the same Webkinz.
I finished work a bit early yesterday so I went downtown to the Eaton Centre (NOT Eating Centre, as my kids call it...they don't even know what Eaton's is, or was :) ). My puprose was to purchase a small 'add on' for Shannon and her new Webkinz. What do I do??? I purchase yet another Webkinz for Heather to replace the unicorn we are giving to Shannon, AND I buy them each the brand new Trading Cards. The new on-line trading card thing isn't even open yet and she already has the beginnings of a collection going.
I'm all for kids being on computers and being on-line. It's a skill they need to have in todays world. I was often caucious of Heather being on-line as I don't want anything bad to happen to my computer (oh ya, her as well). There are some not so nice sites out there. The great thing about Webkinz World is the fact that it is a safe site, and I can minimize the other windows so that window is the only one showing. Even better, I enjoy it as well. It's a fun, safe, and educational world there. Hey, I sound like an ad...do I get paid for this??

effin

2007-05-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

As a funny 'aside' from the rest of the stuff, I wanted to share something that Rick and I were talking about the other day.
Rick, I believe, is in his 50's. Very nice guy, down to earth and great sense of humour. I was talking to one of the other teachers about something, and I said that I was 'pissed off'. Rick, who was at the other end of the room, came up to me and asked me what I said, he said 'you were WHAT?' I said I was 'pissed off', then I said 'oh, I said that too loudly, didn't I?' We laughed about that and then he started to tell me about a book he was reading. He said there was a lot of swearing in the book, but they also said EFFIN and spelled it that way. He said 'e-f-f-i-n'. What do I do??? 'EFFIN?' Loudly. Then I got it. Hahahaha. We had a good laugh over my slowness. Now we sort of jokingly spell the first couple of letters of things to each other.

Good Things CAN Happen

2007-05-01T22:14:00.000-04:00

After my previous post, and wondering about good and bad things, something really good happened today. I try to let things go, to let my higher power do what is right for me and my family. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I don't.
At the last minute today, I went to a meditation meeting. It's literally across the street from work. I talked about that before, how work/Leah/meetings are all so close to each other...it's ideal for me. Anyway, at this meditation, I was thinking about letting things go and sort of 'going with the flow'. I left the meeting early, feeling the need to get outside. I checked my phone messages and there was one from Heather's daycare asking me to call. She didn't go to school today, she was sick and hung out with my mother, so I knew it wasn't anything bad about her. I called Peggy (manager of daycare) and she told me that Leah has a spot there, and since siblings are priority Heather has a permanent spot as well. We've been on this waiting list for over 2 years. There was vertually no chance of them getting into it. It has one of the longest waiting lists in the city. I couldn't believe it. At Leah's current daycare they recently sent a letter asking parent's to let them know if their child is staying or leaving for next year. They have a long list as well, it's infant to kindergarten. One of my biggest dilemas for next year was Leah and if Heather didn't get into that daycare. Leah is fine to stay where she is for JK (there's junior and senior kindergarten here-kids start at 4 yrs). Now, because of this phone call, Heather and Leah are in the same school and the same daycare. Being a single parent, I also qualify for subsity, meaning I don't pay for all of my daycare. It is a bonus, as it's so expensive.
I was a bit worried about telling Leah about it, she loves her daycare so much and she has close friends there. Not to mention how I feel about them. Many of the teachers, and the manager there, have known me throughout my 'ordeal' and have been extremely supportive. There is one male teacher there in the JK room, Rick. He is amazing. We joke all the time, but he is the most positive male influance in Leah's life (yes, including her father).
Once again, I'm floored by letting things go and not stressing over them. It does not, by any means, mean that life is perfect. It means that I do trust what I believe to be my higher power to do what is best for me.
Pretty neat stuff!

Driving in Toronto? ... NOT!

2007-04-30T18:13:00.000-04:00

I got my driver's licence reinstated today. It's been a year. In Dec/2005, I was arrested for DUI. It was at the time that my 'bottom' was truly visable to me. In Ontario, there are manditory minimum sentances for DUI. First, I spent the night in jail. Next, I lost my licence for a 3 month suspension period. Then, I was fined a year losing my licence, $1000 fine, and a 'Back on Track' program that people convicted are required to complete. Actually, the day I was arrested I truly didn't have that much to drink. Anyone who knows what the numbers mean would be shocked. I blew 340, and I should have been comatose. I wasn't. Judge said that may indicate there is a problem. Duh!
So, I completed the program (3 components to it, takes about a year), have not driven in a year, and am paying my fine off. The next part...Interlock device in my van for a year. Doesn't sound too bad, you blow into a breathalizer each and every time you start the vehicle. I can live with that, as I don't drink at all and it will always blow '0'. Problem is...it costs $125 to install and it's $100/month to maintain. Crap. I don't dispute the sentance or fine, but it never ends. The thing is, I have straightened out my life. I am the best person and mother I can be. I am working as much as I can to support us. I think there should be a clause that says that if I am in AA and maintaining my sobriaty I shouldn't have to have the interlock. Or the gov't should pay for it. I think that's fair, don't you? Hahaha.
On another post, a woman listed a bunch of 'things' and each had a 'fine' attached to it. After honestly participating in this, I don't think I should be the only one in 'blogland' with this interlock. Mine was one of the lower 'fines' , and I thought I was bad until I read some of the other 'fines'. Just goes to show you that perception is sometimes difficult to view.

Going back to high school

2007-04-28T22:22:00.000-04:00

My high school had it's 50th reunion today. The school, NOT my class. I was toying with the idea, if I should go or not, so I emailed some friends from high school that I still keep in touch with. I talked to my kids about it as well. One friend, Ramona, emailed back and said that for sure she was into going. Heather was interested in going as well, so that meant that Leah was as well. Ramona has 2 kids that are more or less the same age as mine are. We ended up meeting there this afternoon. There were so many people there, the school was packed. I did see my sister there, I saw her this morning when she left to go there. Living next to her, I actually do see occasionally outside. It was okay, but I was very dissapointed to see that very few of us from 'the Crowd' were there. Ramona and I started to talk about our lives in high school. In the caf, the benches looked exactly the same (then I found out that they WERE the same!). We had a fairly close group in high school and we did call ourselves the Crowd. It's so funny to think about it now. We were such geeks! We were the 'good' kids who didn't smoke, didn't do drugs, didn't drink, and didn't have sex. The majority of us went to university, and many of my friends were honour students (I was not one of them). Ramona and I were closest of friends in school, and over the past 20 years we have stayed friends. Even when I lived in BC, whenever I was in Toronto we saw each other. Our kids get along, especially our oldest...both girls and only 5 months apart. The weird thing is her oldest, Olivia, looks exactly like Ramona. I'm told that Heather looks just like I did. Watching them play together brought back so many memories, although we did not know each other when we were 7. It was like watching ourselves as little kids. Weird, but neat. One thing we commented on was at the school how the kids who attend it now are so territorial about it. I guess we were at that time as well, but it was strange asking where things where when we graduated from the same place before those kids who attend now were born.
We had planned on coming back here for a playdate and dinner, but Ramona's husband had made plans for them without checking first. It was fine, we had our visit and the kids played at the school. Once we got home, Heather called one of her friends. The mom called back, we ended up going for gelato nearby, then Heather invited herself for a sleepover there. It's her first one at that friend's house, but it's all good. Heather loves sleepovers and this friend and her family are very nice. I got to know the mom a bit tonight, and she is nice, honest, and a caring person. Heather's friend, Stephanie, is 1 month younger than Heather. Andrea, her little sister is exactly (almost to the day) one year older than Leah. Sitting back now, the day flowed nicely. We were busy, saw old friends, and spent time with new friends. I think that's how a Saturday should be. Hope you had a good Saturday as well!

Gratitude...

2007-04-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today was a busy day. My ex brought the girls home at 7:30 this am. He finally remembered to bring their bikes back, which is good because the weather has been great (exept for this afternoon). He walked my older one to school, it's faster to walk the block than to drive. Leah and I took the bus and subway, as usual. I worked for a few hours, then went to my AA meeting. This meeting that I go to on Monday's is a sort of special group. I have just become secretary of the group; that means I welcome people, do announcements, and hand out chips (coins for periods of sobority in the first year). It's pretty neat, especially since I go to many meetings I know lots of people. Today I was chairperson for the meeting. I pick people to read stuff and choose the main speaker. Today I chose my neighbour, Eric, to speak. It got me thinking about all of the 'coincidences' in my life. When we moved back to Toronto a couple of years ago, all I could think of was how we were right 'in' Toronto. I see things differently now. I can see how things work out for a reason, and it's damn interesting to see. Out of all of the places in this huge concrete mountain/jungle, I share a driveway with an AA member, long before I am one myself. I live next to my sister, our houses are attached (she owns both sides of the semi). My younger daughter goes to a great daycare that is close by. We do take the bus and subway, but it's very close in Toronto terms. There is a church next door to the daycare and another church one street south. Between the 2 churches there are 5 meetings a week. I work a block away from this as well. That is unheard of in Toronto. I am not going to get into religion by any means, but part of AA is beliving in a 'higher power'; something or someone who is higher than you or me. The concept itself is great. I cannot control things, I have no control over people/places/things, but something has to. I love it! When I had no idea what was going on in my own life, this 'power' was planning all of this. I can care for my children, work, and attend AA all in the same area. One of the best things is my work is very flexible with my schedule. As long as my work gets done, I can leave when I need to. Today was one of those days where I did have to leave for my meeting, and then I had a phone appointment at 2:30. At the scheduled time for my appointment, I let them know I was leaving and went downstairs so I could have my call in privacy. No questions asked from work. How wonderful. Don't get me wrong, it's not the perfect work place, but it is a good one for me. I really can't think of too many places that would allow me to just leave when I had to for over an hour 3-4 times a week.
I hear of so many people that have long commutes to get to work, work late, don't see their kids much and are so tired at the end of the day. The other great thing I did today...I was finished my am work, so left a few minutes early. I went to Leah's daycare for 10 minutes to say hello, and she 'read' me 'Goodnight Moon'. How many parents do that in the middle of the day? I am truly blessed. When I'm in a yucky mood, I must remember to read this again. Remind myself to count my blessings and write a long gratitude list. I do try to keep this list handy, but often I do forget about it.

It Helps to Work for a Lawyer

2007-04-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

I work in a lawyers office. Not just any lawyer, my family (divorce) lawyer. I started there a few months ago after I got the girls back. My ex, Scott, had decided one day after an overnight that he was not going to bring the girls home. He changed their schools and daycare and denied my access for about 3 weeks. I wasn't totally blameless in this, I had joined AA by that time and had begun to take control of my disease, but he didn't know that. Anyway, not the point. At the lawyers office, I do all of the filing, plus a bunch of other stuff. I was working away today and the ex phones me on my cell. We're trying to get to a final agreement with the kid stuff and things are going back and forth. We sent his lawyer stuff a few weeks ago, I think a very fair offer for him. I'm giving him more access time with the girls, and being flexible with time as well. There are provisions in there in case either of us get sick, or either one of us is concerned with the other in terms of caring for the girls. I am a recovering alcoholic, but that doesn't mean I always will be recovering. He has a huge history smoking pot, growing it (in our backyard in BC), and he also drinks a lot. He's been known on many occasions to drink 15 or so beers in a night, plus the other stuff. The wording is such that it protects the children. After asking him many times to deal with this and get it over with, he still had not talked to his lawyer about it. He was also Ordered to pay me some costs associated with last year's court. He paid almost half and I haven't heard anything since then. He called me today while I was working to tell me that he was going to be looking over the stuff that we sent him 3 weeks ago, and then he'd talk to his lawyer. I told him that the divorce itself was going nowhere, and it would never happen if he didn't do something. See, I'm big on the piece of paper and the symbols. He didn't care if we got married, in his eyes we already were. I wanted the rings (yes, 2 of them) and the paper that said we were married. Well, that's changed now. I still wear 2 rings...one is a family ring with my and my daughter's birthstones, the other is an amythist ring I bought myself when I achieved my one year medallion in AA. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this...I want the piece of paper that says I'm divorced! After I got off the phone with the ex, I told my co-workers that I was going for a break. I came back, and after they asked how I was I told them all I wanted was the piece of paper that said I wasn't married to him any more. The two assisstants are so sweet...they made one for me. As we work for a family lawyer, all of the things are right there in the computer. It's not legal by any means, but after they 'presented' it to me they told me I should put it up and look to it as a goal to achieve. Exept for the legal Seal and being signed by a judge, it is the same as it will be. They were so thoughtful. It's nice especially since one is married and trying for a baby, and the other is almost engaged.
I was trying to upload a picture, but it wasn't working for me today. Oh well, it's the thought that counts. That's how I felt today, it doesn't matter that the Order isn't official, it's the kindness and thoughtfullness that counts. I truly hope you have people in your life who as thoughtful! I feel much better now that I've written this.

Happy Saturday.

2007-04-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

The Bar Mitzvah was today, it was very nice. My nephew did his Torah part and was very good. All who participated were great. My kids were amazing. They were almost well behaved.
The lunch after was unbelievable. My sister has always been the creative type. She was always the one in school who got top marks, had great jobs and a nice family. She also makes a lot of money. Don't get me wrong, she works VERY hard. I'm just not too sure what she does. Mostly she buys houses and upgrades them to double the price of them. She's become a realtor to sell her own houses. Anyway, one of the things she has done a few times is make a video for important occasions. She made one for my wedding, and for my neices Bat Mitzvah, and she made one for her son to show today. Now, I don't mean just a little home video, I mean she goes all out for these things. My nephew is a hockey guy, plays it, watches it, and lives it. My sister, being who she is, is the manager of his team and goes to ALL of his games. She is the only one who is allowed to carry his stick. He's goalie, and he's got lots of equipment. For the video, she took clips from the time he was an infant to the rehersal this past Thurs night. Part of the video was a hockey part. She got the 2 guys from 'Hockey night in Canada' (Don Cherry, etc) to announce that it was Michael's Bar M. She also took clips from other players' talking about players' and how amazing they were. They were all made to appear as they were talking about my nephew. It was awesome. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade places with her for the world, but I do admire the things she can do.
The other thing that is done at a Bar M is the candle lighting. There are 12 candles it, and generally close family and friends are asked to come and light one with the Mitzvah kid. What was amazing about this one is the fact that my nephew sung songs without any music about the people who were to light the candles. Our's (the girls and I) were to the theme of Brady Bunch, all about a lady with '2 girls of her own'. The wording and songs were all so appropriate for everyone who went up there. It was great. The restaurant had 2 floors and what they did was have the adults on the main floor and the kids upstairs. My sister and her family also like to gamble and play cards; her husband was a blackjack dealer on a cruise, that's how they met. The placecards to let us know what table we were at were done as pictures of cards, the tables had the actual cards on them. The kids upstairs were all given poker chips and there were tables with real dealers. Tons of gifts for all as well, not just the winners. I guess the point is, there was so much effort and details put into this thing that you couldn't help but to have a good time.
On a final note, I have decided that my girls will have Bat Mitzvah's. They both want one, but their father is not Jewish so they are both. I went over to my sister's after and watched as Michael opened his presents and cards. He scored over $11000, not including the gifts and gift cards. Wow, not bad for a days 'work'. I'm wondering if it's too late for me to have one (yes, I'm pretty sure it is).
Hope your Saturday was as great as mine was. I could watch that video again (I did at my sister's after we got home), and again.

I have beautiful daughters!

2007-04-13T22:14:00.000-04:00

My nephew's Bar Mitzvah is tomorrow. The family is very excited about it, 150 or so of my sister's closest friends and our relatives. It should be fun. A few months ago, my sister talked to me about our part in the Bar M, our part being my daughter's and I. There are certain things that are done during the service/ceremony that honoured people are asked to do. I don't speak or read Hebrew, so that was out of the question. Anyway, we decided that Heather, who is almost 8, will represent us by opening the arc where the Torah is kept. Very cool duty. Anyway, we had the rehearsal and photos last night and the Canter (the guy that sings) said that Leah is too cute not to do anything. He made an executive decision that she could open the arc with Heather and my aunt. Again, very cool. There is a rule that one is supposed to be 8 to do stuff, guess the Canter didn't care. The girls were so cute during rehearsal.
While there, I was taking some pictures of them by a stained glass window. My uncle then pointed the window to me and he told me that it was dedicated to my great grandparent's who died many years ago. It was so neat, I had no idea and was taking pics of the girls. It was neat to see my last name there on such a beautiful piece of art and realize that my grandfather dedicated it to his parent's.
I'll write more about how the Bar Mitzvah was over the next couple of days. We have a busy weekend with that, the long lunch after it, and we are going to the Science Centre Sunday with some friends. Can't wait for work Monday so I can relax. I'm going to attempt to post pictures from yesterday, hope they turn out okay!

I'm 'allowed' not to like you.

2007-04-06T22:31:00.000-04:00

I've discovered over the past few months that I can give myself permission to do things, and that it's okay to do that.
I guess it started a couple of months ago when I wasn't feeling well, the flu. I took the kids to school and went to work. I was feeling like crap. I kept telling myself that I could do it, I wasn't really sick. Well, I was and people at work knew it. I was told (nicely) to go home. I did. I made arrangements for both girls to be picked up by different people and taken care of. One friend offered to take both girls, give them dinner and bring them home for bedtime. I have some very good friends. I took her up on the offer and for the first time I 'allowed' myself to be sick. I stayed in bed, slept, read, and slept some more. Once I surrendered to the fact that it was okay to be sick, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. That one day of being sick, and allowing myself to be sick, made a lot of difference to me and the girls. By the next day I was a lot better and I could function and go to work.
Since that time, I've been experimenting with 'allowing' myself things. I'm allowed to get pissed off when someone almost runs me or the girls over in their car. I'm allowed to be happy when I see my daughter's do something funny or nice. I am also allowed not to like certain people. In AA, it's common for people to say that they like everyone. There is the common alcoholism and that is supposed to unite us. I've talked to people about it, and there are various answers. I have decided for myself that not only is it okay for me not to like some people, it's also okay to talk to my oldest daughter about it. I can't think of anywhere in life where I have liked everyone. I try, but it often seems that there are some I just don't like. I've discovered that it's okay to feel that way. It may seem simple to some, but that was a big thing for me. It's also okay for some people not to like me. I am who I am--nothing more, nothing less. Letting my daughter express her feelings is helping her, I think.
Passover dinner this past week is another example. Twenty of my closest relatives at my mom's for dinner. There were a couple of things that bugged me. Instead of staying in the room, I left it for a bit. My mom asked me to pass her a bottle of wine and I looked at her and said a very definate 'NO'. She didn't think it would bother me to pass the bottle. It did so I didn't. I guess for a lot of my life I've been trying to please others and be what other people want me to be. I don't have to sit and take everything. It only took me 40 years to figure that out!
I guess in a lot of ways it is selfish. I often don't express my feelings and tell people that things are fine when they really are not. When the girls and I first moved back to Toronto after living in BC for 10 years in a smaller community, we were right in the middle of Toronto, no grass, a much smaller house and yard, and a semi-detached house. On top of that, I always disliked Toronto. And, my marriage had just ended. Not that it was the happiest of marriages. That's a lot of change at one time. People kept asking me how I was and I kept saying 'fine'.
I really didn't mean to go into all of this. This new thing of 'allowing' myself things includes admitting my feelings when they aren't the best. On the whole, I'm much happier now that I can say that I don't like some people and I get angry sometimes. Seems kind of silly when I read it, but it's the truth.

On another note, I had a good day today. The girls left last night with their father to spend Easter with his family in Grand Bend (about 3 hours from Toronto). I was out for some of the day, but was home by mid-afternoon. Being in an empty house, I got into my jammies and watched 3 Harry Potter movies that I borrowed from a friend. What a wonderful way to spend a day! Tomorrow I'm meeting some girls for brunch, then having dinner with my uncle. Another lovely low-stress day.
I hope you have a great low-stress weekend. Remember that it's okay to 'allow' yourself certain things. In the long run, you will thank yourself for it!

Full Moon?

2007-04-02T22:08:00.000-04:00

Do you know when it's a full moon without looking at the sky? I've heard it said that strange things do occur at a full moon. Warewolves. Psychos. Zombies. Me.

I know it's a full moon before I look at the sky or a calander. I get ultra-sensitive (yes, sometimes it is pms, often it's not); I have strange thoughts; I loose it for no apparent reason; I have a much shorter fuse; I cry for no reason, and I could go on. I also notice things around me as well. I do notice that some people are just 'different'. Some people get very strange. I used to work in sales, and my co-workers and I always knew it was a full moon. Questions were strange and bizzar. Things were just 'different'.

Now that I have realized that I am affected by the moon, I've started to watch for signs and look at other people. I noticed that people drive more like idiots. There are more fights at home. There is more violence in the news. May sound crazy, but I notice it. I notice I am the same on the outside, but feel differently on the inside.
If you are one who does not really notice, try for one month to keep track of the moon phases and how people act and react to everyday things. If you are like me, you will be amazed at the difference the moon phases make to some people (and animals, too, if you really want to get into it!)...

Happy Full Moon!!

...It's Friday...

2007-03-30T16:38:00.000-04:00

I'm glad it's Friday today. It's been a pretty good week, especially weather-wise. The past couple of evenings it's been very nice outside and the girls and I have taken advantage of this spring weather by spending lots of time outside. Last night there were a few kids (including myself) on the trampoline for at least an hour...jumping and playing.
We have a busy weekend...
Tonight we are going for dinner with some friends, then tomorrow we are going to a maple sugar place with Parents without Partners, a single parent/family group we joined. It should be fun, my girls have never been to one before.
Passover is next week, the big dinners on Mon and Tues. There's usually around 20 of us each night. I don't keep Passover, but I do enjoy the dinners and seeing family.
I really wish I had more to say. I know I've said that I am fairly content with stuff, but it does make for a boring blog.
I'll try to think of something interesting to say next time.

I feel like a new Me, but better!

2007-03-18T18:55:00.000-04:00

It's been quite a few days since my last post. I was here, but my keyboard was not. It was very frustrating: every time I pressed the space button I got 'c'. 'M' became 'mn', etc. I finally got a new keyboard and mouse, so I'm ready to blog.

It's been a nice and serene past few days. Heather and Leah are happy and healthy. I have a cold, but it's only a cold...no biggie.

The girls went with their father this weekend to visit his sister and her family. They are having a great time.
I spent the weekend at the Ontario Regional Conference of AA. It's a weekend of meetings and stuff with AA people from all over. I took advantage of the weekend and spent most of my weekend hours there (Royal York Hotel), coming home to sleep. I learned a lot and renewed some friendships from months ago. I can honestly say that after this weekend I'm mentally exhausted, but more serene and content than I've ever been before. This feeling of contentment began a few days ago. I'm usually rushing and trying to get 'there' (where ever I have to be) in a hurry, constantly saying 'come on, Leah and Heather'. A few days ago, Leah and I were walking from the bus stop and it was the usual 'come on Leah, lets go get Heather'. Also as usual, she was ignoring me and setting her own pace (I think I saw a snail pass her). She was looking at some sticks and finally chose 2 of them. 'Come on Leah, put the sticks down and lets go please' I said. She looked at me and put one stick in each hand and said 'Mommy, I'm a fairy and these are my wings', as she flapped them and ran ahead of me. Well, in that moment, something changed in me. WOW...THIS was life. What 'they' are always asking about ... 'what is the point/meaning of life?'. I got it at that moment. It's not the rushing from here to there. It's not the job or what time you put children to bed. It has nothing to do with what you eat. Watching your 4 year old flapping some sticks that are fairy wings...that's what it is. At that moment, nothing else in life mattered. It may seem like nothing to some people, but to me, it felt like a ray of sunshine went straight into my heart. I hope I never loose this feeling.
One of the best quotes I heard this weekend was 'there is a blessing on the other side of through'. When times are rough, you have to go through the pain to get to the other side. On the other side is a blessing waiting for you. I've heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception. Having just over a year in the program, I'm understanding that. What I have percieved in the past to be problems and stessers are not always as they appear to be. Does it really matter if I am a few minutes later picking up one of the girls, especially if they don't know what time I'm supposed to be there? No. Over the past few months I have been conciously trying to be aware of my thoughts. I went through a time where I had to mentally justify every 'yes' or 'no' and the girls ended up with bright pink hair because I couldn't give a justifiable no. I now find myself asking how important things are to me, within reason of course. I'm finding that things that I used to worry about are totally beyond my control and it makes no sense to get upset over them. It's a different way to live and to think to me, but so far, it's more rewarding than I can possibly communicate in words here.
That's it for now. Peace be with you!

...Others helping me.

2007-03-03T22:40:00.000-05:00

Leah had her tonsils and adnoids out yesterday. Since I don't drive right now, and I'm a single parent, I had some concerns about the day. Getting Leah and I to and from the hospital, and what to do with Heather were my major concerns. I had arranged for my mother to take us there and my neighbour Barb to pick us up. I had arranged for Heather to go to a friend's place after school. Her school had a skating party planned for Fri. night. I knew Leah and I were not going, but I had thought of Heather and how she would get there, who would supervise her, and how she was going to get home.
After our snow from hell, there was some wind damage and many houses were without power. As it turns out, we had power, but the houses and school, just one block away, did not. The daycare and school were closed for the day. Thinking quickly and realizing that asking for help is not a weakness, I arranged things for Heather. She spent the first part of the day with a neighbour, then my sister took her for a bit and they went for lunch. After that she went to a friend's place, then the skating party, met up with other friends there and had a sleepover. I wasn't really worried about her, I just wanted to make sure that she was taken care of. She had the best time. She stayed at her friend's, then this morning went to see a book signing of Robert Munsch. She had a wonderful time. Meanwhile, Leah and I were at the hospital. She was so amazing once she woke up. She ate 22 popsicles (we kept the sticks to prove it), and was in good spirits all day. Her father came for about an hour, then left. I think one of the most touching things is how friends came together and helped my family when we needed them. What a special feeling! I'm always one help other people when they need help, it was nice for once to accept help and take it for what it's meant to be...friends helping friends. I will always look back on this weekend as a time when a bunch of us came together to help each other.

Helping other's helps me...

2007-03-03T08:23:00.000-05:00

I've had an interesting and very humbling past couple of days. Toronto had a storm from hell this past Thursday. It started to snow in the afternoon, then the wind picked up, then more snow came. It wouldn't stop. It was white-out outside. By 3pm, people in offices were leaving to get home. I left work early as well, about 3:30. I went to pick up Leah, we did a bit of shopping and took the subway to our 'home' station. The trip from Leah's school to home is normally much less than an hour. We got to the subway and I immediately questioned the situation. There were about 300 people waiting for the Bayview bus (to take us home). I found out that some people were waiting for over an hour. At that time of day, there is an extra route and you never have to wait more than 5 minutes. We ended up seeing a neighbour there. To make that story short, his wife came to pick us up and from Leah's school to home was almost 2 hours. By this time as well, I was speaking to another neighbour and we had decided that whoever got to the school daycare first would pick up my daughter and his son. It ended up being me, getting there at 5:30. The neighbour who gave us a ride took Leah to their house while I went to the daycare. While there, they were in an organized panic about the remaining kids. The daycare closes at 6 and by 5:30 there were a lot of children left. Some parent's who were driving were simply stuck getting home. What usually is a 15 min drive took some 4 hours. I saw the kids who were there and ended up calling another parent who released their 2 kids to me. We all went back to our house where they had a great time with each other and I made them all dinner. It was an exciting time for them, and a great learning experience for us adults who learned that we have to stick together.

What happens when you get what you ask for??

2007-02-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

I have been legally separated for over 2 years. There are lots of reasons as to why, really, it doesn't matter. Over the past few months, my daughters and their father have been 'begging' for more time with each other. A couple of weeks ago, he (Scott) and I actually talked a bit. It was close to a desent conversation. We are now in the process of working towards a final agreement, which in turn will lead to our divorce (big YIPEE). One of the things we have agreed with is on his weekends (he has every-other), he wants to drop the girls off at school. I think that's great. It gives them an extra night together, gives me an extra relaxation night, and most importantly he will have to deal with the Sunday night/Monday morning moods after a weekend with him. Anyway, this is the first weekend we have agreed to do this. It's his weekend, and the girls have been really trying to get me to agree to this. Finally, after lawyer letters and talks, I said yes today. All is happy??? Of course not. He started to ask me what time they had to be at school. Leah's in daycare, so it can be whenever. Heather has to be at school around 8:35am. He started to complain that it was too late for him. He should drop them off at home and let me take them. Not going to happen. I made arrangements to go into work this Mon am early. I also made plans to go out Sun evening. He told me we have to think of something. Can Heather walk with a friend? No. Can she go early? No. Can I go in late? No. I could actually ask my mother to meet him here in the am and she could take them, but that would be too easy for him. Don't get me wrong, I do want them to see each other more, he just has to take responsibility for it now. Also, part of this agreement is a flexable night during the week. He's already bitching about it. His loss is my gain, that's how I see it.
By the way, Leah's surgery is a week tomorrow. He hasn't said a word about being there, or even how he's getting there. I think it's funny. What do you think? One of the biggest reliefs in my life was the day that I decided that life was the girls and I, and I don't have to worry or even think about when or if Scott is in it. Once I surrendered to the fact that I have no control over things that he does, I felt a serenity I have never felt before. It's a wonderful thing!

Who is the Parent??

2007-02-16T08:49:00.000-05:00

I picked up Heather from school the other day. She said 'Samantha and I are going to have a play date this Saturday...and a sleepover. Please call her Mommy to confirm.'
Okay, I know in grade 2 kids want to become more indipendent and have their voices heard, but whatever happened to a child asking if it was alright. What if I was planning a trip somewhere hot this weekend? Today is a PA (or PD) day, so it's a long weekend. Luckily I hadn't confirmed any plane tickets, so the playdate can go ahead.
Samantha's mother called me. We agreed to a playdate Saturday. Samantha will be dropped off at our house in the afternoon, will stay for dinner, and then both girls will be picked up after dinner for a sleepover at her house. It's so weird. I barely know this girl, have met the father once (they had a playdate a couple of weeks ago and the dad picked Heather up to go to the Science Centre), and I've never met the mom. I've never even seen their house, but yes, I'm allowing my child to sleep there. Her father seemed nice and her mother sounds nice on the phone, so I guess I will have to go with that.

2007-02-12T14:30:00.000-05:00

I took Leah to the doctor last week, she's going to have her tonsils and adnoids out. Heather had hers out 1 1/2 years ago, now it's Leah's turn. Heather is very excited and thrilled about Leah's upcoming operation. She can't wait. Leah, on the other hand, is not as excited. Heather tells me every night that she can't sleep because of Leah. The fact that Leah ends up in my bed every night doesn't seem to make a difference.
I also found out that the day of Leah's surgery (March 2) is also the day of the BIG school skating party for Heather. Once a year they have this: the entire school and families go to a nearby rink; it's lots of fun. Well, Leah and I won't be going to that, but I am making arrangements for Heather to go with some friends. She'll have a good time. I'm hoping as well that there won't be a repeat of when Heather got her tonsils out. Her father came over later the evening she had them done, he brought her a scooter and also couldn't understand why I wouldn't let him take Heather to a movie. Go figure. I'm just a mean mom I guess.

My Little Angels

2007-02-06T16:18:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I love this picture so much. It was taken at Hanukkah when each child had about 50 presents to open. I think I love it because of the expressions on their faces. It's so 'them'. Added effects are the red eyes. I didn't even have to add them.

The 'Old One' is Bratz, or Heather. She's 7 1/2. The 'Little One' is Monster, or Leah. She's 4. When we are out, I usually call them by their nicknames and get funny looks from other people. I don't care, I like their names. It's who they are: Bratz and Monster. As their mother, what does that make me?

CCCOOOOLLLLLDDDDD!!!!!!!

2007-02-06T15:54:00.000-05:00

It is so cold here in Toronto. I thought that because I grew up here, and lived in BC for several years, that it wouldn't take me long to get used to the cold again. I was wrong. It's ONLY -15 today, certainly not the coldest spot in Canada, or even Ontario for that matter. I pick the girls up from school and basically lock ourselves in the house until we have to go out again. Today my older daughter has a friend here (they both have martial arts tonight). They, along with my 4 year old, wanted to play on the trampoline of all things. 'NO' I said...'it's winter'. Thinking that would be enough of an explanation, I proceeded to unlock the door and go in the house. I looked behind me expecting to see 3 frozen girls, instead I see them trying to slide down the driveway on salted ice (you don't slide much on that stuff, I think that's the point of putting the salt down). I was so happy when Heather told me that because the groundhog didn't see his shadow it would be an early spring. Silly groundhog!

Well, I may just go get more real fur to keep me warm. BBBRRRR.. Or, I could be a bear and sleep all winter...that sounds good to me.

A good day today!

2007-02-03T20:58:00.000-05:00

So it's Saturday night. 9pm. My daughters are sleeping. I saw an old high school friend today, haven't seen her in many months, although we do talk on the phone sometimes. It was great to see her, and it was as though we saw each other yesterday. I find it's like that with very close friends. Anyway, I'm going through a self-improvement thing where it's different stages and stuff. One I'm on now, I want to go back to people I have emotionally hurt in the past and talk to them about it, let them know I'm sorry about stuff. So my girlfriend and I were having tea, with all of the kids upstairs playing, and I told her what I was doing and wanted to say some stuff to her. I was a bit nervous, but I did finally talk to her about a couple of things from when we were teenagers. Wouldn't you know it, she barely remembers the stuff and couldn't believe it had been bothering me all of these years. It felt great to say it, and even better to know that it didn't affect her nearly as much as I thought it would. Life is good.

I'm going to try to figure out how to get pictures and stuff on here. Michelle wants to link this blog to her blog, so that's fine. It's her fault I'm doing this, so I'd better try. My daughters already think I'm on this thing too much...

2007-01-29T06:46:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get this Blog going. I keep forgetting it's here, so I put it on 'favorites' so I might remember.
I had a great weekend. Actually went out Fri night to a girlfriend's place and watched a movie. Exciting for me!
I will make a bit more of an honest try with this.

I'm here.

2007-01-18T06:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm going to give this a try. Can't promise anything except to try.
This is Michelle's fault. In theory, a Blog sounds great.
So, here we go.............