Sunday, March 16, 2008

Fake It Till You Make It

I've heard the phrase 'fake it till you make it' regarding different aspects of life. AA uses the phrase to help a newcomer learn about the program without preaching and forcing someone to believe in what they don't believe in. For example, part of AA is to believe in a 'Higher Power', or a god of your understanding. It's whatever YOU believe in, there is no right or wrong answer. To some, it's a person, a group, their concept of something that is 'higher' than you are.
I have been using the concept of 'fake it...' for some time. I found that I was being more negative in life and miserable than I wanted to be. I 'faked' being happy and content. It's not that I wasn't somewhat happy, but I did not want to send out negative vibes. I wanted to 'stick with the winners' and in order to do that, I needed to attract and keep them.
My 8 year old, Heather, is overly emotional and tends to be negative without really meaning to be. She cries about everything. Always. She's losing friends because, really, who wants to be around someone like that? I know I don't, and I also know that you attract what you are. In my younger days, I lost plenty of friends with my whining and negativity. Although I know that my children have to make their own way and experience things to learn, it's my 'job' as a mother to guide and teach where I can. In this regard, I do have the experience to guide Heather. If I, as her mother, can't stand the crying and whining, what are her peers thinking?
So, being the good mother that I am, I started to teach her the concept of 'fake it till you make it'. Aside from her thinking that I was telling her it was okay to lie (about her feelings), she did start to 'get it'. This is still very new for her, so it's a process that's evolving.
The big thing, my 'ah-ha', spiritual awakening, epiphany, whatever you want to call it, was that while explaining this to Heather I realized that I'm NOT 'faking it' and that I've 'made it'. I was faking being happy, joyous and free. Not that I was being execptionally happy, but I was 'faking' being positive about everything in order to change my way of thinking (all part of AA program).
My big moment....I really AM happy and positive. Holy crap, when did THAT happen?
Don't confuse that statement to say that I'm walking around in a pink cloud and being disgustingly smily and happy always. It means that my outlook on life and myself have changed. I know that I'm an okay person. I know I work hard, help other people, try to stay positive. I'm a good person and I deserve good things to happen to me. WOW! To some of you, that might seem silly or retorical, but to ME, it's HUGE. I really do feel this way.
Now, if I keep working on Heather, perhaps I can 'teach' her not to cry every other minute and be more positive about stuff. It's not all about me, but while helping her it was amazing to me to have this feeling of happiness within myself. It's all good (today)!

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Did Hell Freeze Over??

Today the girls and I took Zoey (our other dog) to a 'rescue' place. To make a very long story short, Scott moved to an apartment and he could not keep Zoey. We couldn't keep her, either. Scott told me a few days ago that he was going to take her to the humane society. We've had Zoey since she was a puppy. She's a great dog, very loyal, sweet, and unique. Her mother was malamute/wolf, her father sheppard/wolf. When Scott told me that he was going to take her to the Humane Society, I couldn't sleep or stop thinking about Zoey being locked in a small cage for the rest of her life, to be put down by strangers. I googled and called people because I didn't think that was fair to Zoey. I ended up finding a rescue home that would take her. She's over 10, part wolf, in fairly good health, but she's still 10. Nobody would adopt her and I knew it. The girls and I took her to Siber Rescue today with my friend, Louise. It was very hard for us, and Heather and I left there in tears. I know it's for the best for Zoey, and I know she'll be happy, but it still hurts knowing that I couldn't take her. There will never be another Zoey, just like Floyd, a special member of our family.
Scott phoned tonight to say goodnight to the girls and also to see how it went with Zoey. The resuce place (Lisa) needed $300 to cover some costs for her. Scott said he would pay for part, but then showed up Thurs with Zoey and no money. When Scott called today, he made a comment like 'I know you think that I'm cold-hearted and hard' to which I replied that I knew he was; he always was and would always be that way, it was who he was. He didn't really like that comment. After he talked to the girls, he called back about 1/2 hour later and asked me to talk. I said 'sure' and listened. He told me that things were very bad for him work-wise, socially, and financially (what else is there?). I knew things were a bit bad, but he was very bummed out. He told me that he did love Zoey and how hard it was for him. Now, here's the 'hell freezes over' part...he said that he was proud of me for what I have accomplished over the past 2 years. He said that he's seen so many people not recover from addiction, and he is lucky enough not to have that personality. Many years ago, he was into other stuff, other than pot and booze. He just decided one day to stop and turned it off. He is lucky. But he told me how well he thinks I'm doing and how great it is. I've know this man for about 12 years. Married, 2 kids, separated. He has never even come close to saying that to me before. He said that financially things are horrible for him, how down he is because of it, and how he promises to 'provide' for 'his' family as soon as he can. I reminded him that I am not part of that anymore, we're separated, but that's great for the girls. He told me that no matter what I am still 'part of' his family. It was weird, hearing him say that stuff. Part of me wanted to laugh, part of me wanted to tell him to screw off, but I didn't. He actually showed vulnerablity, even a bit of humility. Things I've never seen. Wow, I was impressed he could actually show any real feelings at all.
Will things change between us? Never. See, all of these feelings he's expressing are great, but I still don't feel anything positive towards him. One phone call showing me that he actually does have a heart doesn't change the fact that he's still an ass. And a jerk. And, he was stoned and drunk tonight, as usual. Some things never will change, but at least he's made some sort of effort.
My final words for this 'change'...what goes around, comes around. Things are how they should be, for both of us.