Friday, February 22, 2008

Be Right or Be Nice

I have a very wise AA sponser. Her name is Judy (I can say that because none of you know her). Throughout life, there are choices to make, and how I make them can have an impact on my sobriaty and my recovery as a whole. Judy usually lets me vent and to speak my mind. Then she asks me if the choice I am making is to be right or to be kind. It helps me to put things in perspective.

My current choice has to do with Scott and the girls (as usual). The choice has to do with my court stuff with Scott and closure to this. Here's the short version. The current court Order we have has some good and bad things in it. According to the Order, I am required to attend AA everyday. I have to go for urine testing 3 times a week to check for alcohol. I cannot drive with the girls. The girls primary residence is with me. Scott has access ever other weekend from Fri to Sun evening. A few weeks ago we had a court date to vary the order, that is, to change it so I don't have to do all of these things and I can drive with the girls. I was charged in Dec/05 with impaired. In Ontario the minimum that can happen, which I received, was $1000 fine, 1 year suspension followed by 1 year interlock device (breathalizer) in the car. I currently have until the end of April until the interlock condition is removed, at that point I can drive again like a 'normal' person. The Order also states that Scott has acess every other weekend. Period. That's it. Because it is the right thing to do for the girls, I also give him (them) until Mon am on his weekends, 2 weeks in the summer, 1/2 of Christmas, including Eve and Day (I'm Jewish, don't need those days).
When we went to court, we had an Order that was to be on Consent (that means that both parties agree to the Order). It had all of the above in it, plus the Order had a bunch of acess time that I was giving him anyway. Nice, neat, fair.
One of my choices is to see if he will simply sign the Order or if I should go back to court, yet again, to have the Order varied and also go for sole custody. I know I can do that, and I know I will probably win, thereby having sole custody. He has demonstrated, over and over again, why I should have it by his actions. I have the documents drafted, so it's not even a lot of work to do it.
After talking with my lawyer, and with Judy, I have almost concluded my future actions. I asked Scott when he picked the girls up last night if he would sign an Order now. Because he does not have a lawyer right now (his fired him), he can sign himself. He said he would. However, it will not be the original Order that was prepared for our last court date. I will have a new Order prepared that ONLY lists those things that I want changed. It will be short and sweet. I don't have to attend AA daily, I can drive with the girls, etc. That's IT. That will be fair to me, giving me the closure I need and the vices I need to 'get on' with things and put my 'bottom' behind me. Then, the choice becomes his. If he is not happy with that and wants all of that extra stuff in it, he can make the effort to do so.
The conclusion to this: I am being nice...and right.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Let it STOP Snowing

Okay, enough is enough.
The first picture was taken when the girls were skating. It was a Brownie 'family skate night', and the snow was crazy. The second picture was taken when we got home, it's from our front door. Yesterday morning, there was barely any snow on the ground, by 8pm, that's what it looked like.
Too much!!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Oye, what a day

So, we were supposed to go to court today. Scott said he would agree to varing the existing order. It benefited both of us, I would not have manditory AA, plus some other stuff, and he would be getting a whole bunch more access with the girls. I spoke with him briefly last night and he said that he was going and we would meet before hand. This morning, around 10:30, I tried to call him. His phone was off. He doesn't have voicemail, so I emailed him on his blackberry. About 1/2 hour later I get a response...'i'm sorry, I cannot attend'. That's it. I emailed back 'are you kidding me?' I asked him to call me, I emailed him again and still no response and the phone off. Oh, before that I had called the gov't agency that controls the child support payments (he pays them, they pay me). His last cheque bounced and they have not been able to contact him. Anyway, hearing that and no explanation as to why he was not going to court got me freaked out. I called the daycare and the school and told them under no circumstances were the girls to be released to him. I thought with all that's going on he was going to take the kids. He didn't do that, but I was freaked anyway.
My lawyer, Malerie, and I go to court. We ended up getting costs (means he has to pay me for the cost of going to court), plus we can now bring a motion to vary the order (means we can go back to court to have the stuff I want taken out). I"m not sure if I wrote before about 'sole custody', but it was on the original legal stuff we did a couple of years ago. I think that now I am going to go for sole custody. My lawyer said that because he didn't even show up, and the way he did it, looks very bad for him.
I never wanted all of this. I was content with shared custody and him seeing the girls as much as he wanted to. I've offered him a flex day during the week when he could take them for dinner. He's never taken me up on that offer and seen them during the week.
I've often thought what it would be like for me to tell the girls just what kind of a person their father is. I've refrained from doing that because I love the kids and I don't want to hurt them. I've learned that I don't have to do anything, he is doing it on his own. I do my best not to say anything negative about him, but they are seeing for themselves what an ass he really is. He constantly dissapoints them, he's unreliable, and he doesn't keep his promises. I'm learning that just by doing nothing I can offer my kids more than doing something.
Don't get me wrong, I'm pissed off about all of it. But, I'm taking deep breathes and calming down. I've used my AA Steps in dealing with this, and for me, it's working.
Not all men are shits, but my ex certainly is. And I don't have to do or say anything to prove it...he does it all on his own!