Saturday, August 25, 2007

'Stuff'

I often wonder if 'normal' people think the same things that I think. I've talked a bit about perception and how mine is warped. I had an example of how my thinking is changing a few days ago. My next door neighbour, Eric, is in the program. I'm great friends with his wife and his son and Heather were in the same class for two years. We live in semi-detached houses. My sister is the other half of my house. Eric's next door neighbour (their houses attached), I'll call her S, is sort of a bitch. I was friends with her when we first moved to Tornoto almost 3 years ago. To make a long story short, we are no longer friends. Eric and his wife Barb can't really stand her. It makes it difficult, being close neigbours. Anyway, Eric and I were talking about S and how she has changed for the worse over the past couple of years. She has had the same man for almost 2 years. She's divorced, 2 kids. Eric was saying that no matter what, he cannot be friends or even pleasant to her. I disagree. In my view, if S were to come to me and talk to me sincerely about things, I would have to forgive her and accept her. If I don't, I'm not working my program. I said as much to Eric, and he actually agreed with me (for the most part). For now, I will stay away from S, but be cordial when I see her and say 'hello'. If I can't do that, then I cannot even begin to live in today and deal with yesterday.
It's difficult to be near a person with whom you once shared a history with and now do not wish to. I have some old friends who I just don't keep in touch with because of stuff. Everyone has 'stuff', I think it's what you learn from your 'stuff' that makes the person who they are. Sometimes it's hard to let go of things, but I'm realizing that often ife is better in the end, after the 'letting go' stuff.
When other words fail, 'stuff' is a good one.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow...

YESTERDAY TODAY AND TOMORROW…

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is Yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day – Today – Any one can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities – Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.

It is not the experience of Today that drives us mad – it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time.



The preceeding is a poem that is read in almost every AA meeting in Toronto. When I first came into the 'program' I couldn't hear it without crying. I still have my days, but for the most part, it grounds me and reminds me what is important for today only.
I use the concept of this with my kids, especially Heather. I think she gets 'it', which for me is a huge thing.
It reminds me that the things that I have done, in addition to the things that other's have done, are not worth dwelling on. If I can forgive myself (not everything, mind you), I should be able to forgive others. It also reminds me that I don't have any control over people, places, or things. That was a tough concept for me to get, but once I did, wow, what a difference it made.

I wish you all a happy Today!

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I am not missed

I mentioned in a previous post that the girls are in Grand Bend with their Grandma and Papa this week. They have been gone since Sat, and it's now Thurs. They come home this Sat night.
I miss them, but I'm also getting stuff done around the house (somewhat, I am spending too much time on the computer). I'm supposed to start work at 9, the past few days I've been at my desk working by 8. I can't even drop the girls off at daycare until 7:45.
I've been talking/emailing them every day. I haven't really talked to Leah, she's much too busy for that. I called tonight and spoke with Heather for a bit. She met a friend there last year from Ireland, and the girl is there again. They are having a sleepover tonight. I talked to Heather for a few minutes, then she let me talk to Victoria, her friend, for a bit. I asked to speak with Leah, but I could hear her in the background saying 'hi Mommy, I love you but I can't right now because I'm busy'. Cute. It's very comforting to know that they are both having a great time, but is it too much to ask them to miss me just a little bit? I guess so.
Once again, I see how blessed I am. The girls are having a great time, are being well taken care of and are spending time with family they don't see too often. Good for them, I say.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Freedom from Kids

The girls are in Grand Bend now with their Grandma and Papa (Scott's parent's). Scott was supposed to pick them up Fri night, but he was working out of town and didn't get much sleep so he asked to pick them up Sat am. He came over Sat am, the girls were ready to go and I wanted him to drop me off at my AA meeting because of the time factor.
We had to tell the girls about Floyd. We all went in the house and sat on the couch. It was hard, Heather started to cry right away, and I was crying as well. Leah wasn't really sure what it meant, but she knew that we were upset so she got upset as well. We tried to tell Leah that Floyd wasn't coming back, and she said she did understand, but I'm sure it will take a few times at Scott's seeing Zoey without Floyd until it sinks in that Floyd is dead. It was hard, but I'm thankful that we did it together. It is one of the very few times that we have agreed to do something and did not fight about it.
Heather is totally into her Webkinz, and a few weeks ago I got the black lab one for that occasion. After we told the girls, Heather ran up to the bathroom and locked the door. I got the Webkinz and knocked on the door. I told her how much I loved her, how much Floyd meant to our family and how much we were going to miss him. Then I gave her the lab Webkinz. I told her that I was going to name it Floyd and she was happy about that. I had Floyd set up in Webkinz World with his own room by the time they were in Grand Bend.
I have talked to them pretty much every night. They are having a great time. Grand Bend is on Lake Huron, it's beautiful there. They are swimming at the beach every day. Leah is putting her whole head in the water, and Heather is also doing well with her swimming.
I miss them, but it's only been a couple of days and they don't come home until Sat at some time. Heather has a birthday party the Sunday, so I got her the black lab as well, as per Heather's instructions.
Before the girls left, I was thinking about all of the things I was going to get done while they were away. I was going to go to an AA meeting every night, meet up with friend's and go for walks at night. Well, I did go to a meeting Sunday night, and I am meeting a friend for dinner tomorrow night. As far as the walks go, my foot is still very sore. I called the dr today, but results were not in as of this afternoon. I'm almost scared to find out what it is because it's not broken.
I have spent more time on the computer reading other blogs. I find it very interesting that I can just go from one blog to another by clicking on links. It's going into personal territory, something I still have trouble with. Even at work, I'm told to look in someone's office for files and if I can't see it right there, I can't really look. Weird for me because I am such a 'snooper'. Guess I'm changing in that dept as well.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Updates...

A lot has gone on the past little bit. I updated about my foot, and will do so when something else comes along.
Anyway, Scott called me today. He had to put Floyd down this past Tues. He said that Floyd was not doing well and he was in a lot of pain. Scott was with him the entire time, even when the vet put him (Floyd, not Scott) to sleep. He said it was 'rough', which for Scott means that it was one of the most brutal things he's ever had to do. I've only seen Scott cry once or twice in all of the years I've known him, and it sounded like he was crying when he told me. He said Zoey, our wolf-dog, knows there is something wrong and doesn't know what to do with herself. Surprizingly, we are going to tell the girls together when he picks them up tomorrow night.
That brings me to another thing. He is going to take them to Grand Bend to visit his parents for a week. Scott won't stay there, but he will be there for the weekend, then the following weekend to pick the girls up. I debated a lot over letting them go. I have no problem with his parents, in fact, they are super nice. His step-mother is amazing, I really like her. When we went to court when Scott scooped the girls and was going for custody, his father didn't even really look at me but his step-mom said hello and gave me a hug. Scott was supposed to get some legal stuff done, but on his side, he did go to the courthouse and try to get it done. He did not recieve proper direction, so it couldn't be done. I have, once again, put the girls first and thought what was best for them. For them to miss a week of daycare to spend time with their family in the woods and a beach, that it best for them. Pat on the back for me. Sometimes the angel halo is nice (hahaha).

I WISH I had a fracture!

Well, the pain in my foot is still there. Had the x-ray this past Tues, and saw a sports med doctor today. I don't have a fracture, but there is sign of a bunion. The doctor today had some ideas...it's probably not an injury caused by trauma (meaning it doesn't appear that I fell or something). It's possibly gout, or some other rheumatic disorder. I didn't even really think of that. There is a history of arthritis in the family and I've been borderline Lupus for years. He mentioned a couple of other possibilities, but I can't even pronounce them, never mind spell them or remember them.
I had lots of tubes of blood taken and the Dr will call when the results are in. I'll update when I know more.
It would be much simpler if I just had a fracture somewhere. The process is much simpler, cast, crutches or cane, a few weeks of pain then it's over. With me, nothing is ever that simple!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Feet and Weekend...

About four years ago, I tripped while I was carring a then-9 month old Leah. I thought I pulled a muscle, went to the doctor. He said 'you pulled a muscle, stay off of your feet for a few days'. I didn't, I had 2 little kids. Fast forward about 3 months...the pain in my hip didn't go away. I thought if I kept waling on it, it would get better. Insead, it got a lot worse. Still didn't go check it out, because he already told me to keep off of it. Finally, I did go. See my leg kept locking, meaning that after a few steps my leg would just stop, with lots of pain, and wouldn't move. Weird, but true. To make a long story short, I had fractured my femur, the bone that keeps your leg attached to your hip. It was a horizontal fracture that was about to snap, meaning hip replacement. I did have surgery, have 3 pins in my hip now, and was in a wheelchair for more than 3 months to let my hip heal.
You'd think I'd learn. Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. My left foot started to hurt. I limped, started to limp a lot. It's swollen and I can't really move my toes or my foot without it being very painful. I know why it took so long, my family dr is away for another couple of weeks and I know there is always a long wait in the clinic. I simply did not have time for a possible fracture. By last Fri it was way worse. Finally, I got a friend to pick the girls up Fri and I went to a walk in medical clinic. Three hours later, I hobbled out of there. The doctor wasn't exactly sure what was wrong with it, but I do have to have an x-ray tomorrow because it may have a hairline fracture. He said to stay off of it. My uncle owns a surgical store, so Sat I went down there to get 'supplies'. I now have a cane, crutches, tensor's, you know, the usual things that people do Sat of a long weekend.
Regardless of that, the girls and I did have a good weekend. Heather went for a playdate Sat. Leah was kind of grounded for not listening, so aside from our outing to get my supplies, we were home. Yesterday we went to my uncle's house to swim and for dinner. Today I took them to a splash park. We had fun! I am trying to stay off of my ankle as much as I can, at least I am using a cane at all times.
I go for the x-ray tomorrow, I'll write more when I have a clue as to what is wrong.
Nobody ever said that my life is boring and without just a little bit of drama!